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[Application] Shimizudani Raiden <10th Division> - BleachAnime.org Forums

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Soulking
06-07-2008, 08:34 AM
Name: Shimizudani Raiden

Age:

Age at Death: 13
Current Age in Soul Society: 130

Appearance: Since Raiden died at 13, he has some how stayed looking that age and has never grew out of his 13 year old appearances. He has a medium body but looks slender, weighing at 110 lbs and standing at 5'2". His chin is small and sharp and he has an average-sized head. He has a small nose and a small mouth. His hair is dark brown (looks black), medium sized, and is spiked all over (leaned forward on the top, and upward on the back, as well as the sides). He has light-brown almond-shaped eyes. He has a medium tan which makes his skin glow (looks more coral than pale).

Raiden wears the traditional Soul Reaper uniform, with the exception of his sash, which is a yellow-gold color.

Personality: Raiden is a calm and intelligent boy. He likes making friends, and enjoys speaking to them. But Raiden is not scared of anyone; he would go up to a hollow unarmed, which is why his friends call him "the brave one". Raiden gets very serious when it comes to fighting; he works well in a group just as much as alone. He fights for those he cares about, and is willing to risk his life in order to save them. He always plans his attacks before making a move in a fight and will try to increase his speed when necessary, which is where his energy comes in. He gets very hyper when given sweets. He does not enjoy being around people who tend to lie most of the time, especially those who would lie to him.

Biography: During Raiden's time alive, he was enrolled into a Kendo Dojo for 3 years. He had achieved a high level at age 13, which was farther than most kids his age. It was also the age he died from a car accident. When he was guided to the soul society, he remembered nothing of his past life until he saw a Soul Reaper walking through the Rukongai holding their Zanpakuto, which made him remember his skills as Kendo.

He immediately made friends with a couple of kids older than he in Rukongai. They all spoke of becoming Soul Reapers all the time and felt that Raiden had the skills to become one, because of his Kendo skills. But regardless, he had no interest in becoming a Soul Reaper. But as time went on, Raiden saw a Phoenix in his dreams. The Phoenix influenced Raiden to become a Soul Reaper in order to control his spiritual energy and knowing his Zanpakuto's name (the phoenix's name). Raiden then immediately enrolled into the Daikokubashira Academy.

Division being applied to: 10th Division

Zanpakuto appearance: In Raiden's unreleased zanpakuto form, its overall zanpakuto length is 37", the blade length is 27" and the handle length is 10". It weighs It is slightly curved, which makes it look like a katana. The scabbard's color is black, and since it's unreleased, it looks like an ordinary unreleased zanpakuto, with the exception of the guard and handle, the handle is yellow and the guard is a metal golden lightning strike-shaped symbol. Since he tends to clean the blade most of the time, it is usually spotless. Raiden tends to carry his Zanpakuto next to his left hip.

Sample mission:
Raiden looked up outside, it was morning again. He realized he had been sleeping since his friends had left to find food. He got up and walked outside the cabin they had been living in for many years. The sun was shining brightly and the wind was calm.

“Hey, heads up Raiden!” A frisby went flying to the side of his face.
“What was that for,” shouted Raiden.

“I told you heads up, stupid.” Raiden realized it was Riku, one of his friends.

“Where is everybody,” asked Raiden.

“They went to the docks to catch fish.”

Raiden calmly looked to the sky, usually he would say something like Why didn’t they wake me up!? Riku looked at Raiden with a weird expression. He is not used to seeing Raiden this calm. Raiden looked back at Riku noticing his expression.
Finally Riku said, “I’m going to catch up to them, aren’t you going to?”

“No,” replied Raiden. “I’ll just wait here.”

“Ok then, we’ll bring you your fish soon,” Riku said, while running towards the river.

As Raiden looked in the sky, he noticed a weird shaped cloud that looked similar to something he saw in his dream last night. “That looks like a Phoenix,” said Raiden out loud. As he lay down on the hill he was sitting on, he saw the cloud was disappearing.

It looked like it was about to rain, bigger and darker clouds started rolling in. “Great, right when I come outside,” Raiden murmured to himself. As he stepped into the cabin, he saw his friends running towards him.

“Raiden! We caught so much fish from a school of fish that passed by the river,” One of them shouted, as they got closer. By the time they got to the cabin, the clouds were already covering the land. Rain was pouring, eventually thunder started to happen.

As the fire was being lit by one of Raiden’s friends, they were discussing what they had seen when they were walking back from the river. “Yes, I can’t believe I saw one,” one of them said. “A Soul Reaper was actually passing by!” “Did you see his sword,” Riku asked. “Yes, it looked cool,” asked another.

Raiden couldn't help but say, "Why do you guys even care about soul reapers? All they do is walk around with their precious swords..."

"Raiden," one of the other boys blurted out. "How could you say such a thing? Weren't you the one who told us about that one soul reaper you found when you first came here?"

"That's true," another boy chimed in. “You told us that you saw a man dressed in a black kimono and white obi that was wearing a sword on his left side.”

Raiden's face flushed in embarrassment and frustration as he said, "So what if I said that? It’s not like I want to become one or anything. I mean, I don’t even know how you become one.”

“I heard the academy is looking for souls with high spiritual energy,” Riku bursted out with excitement. “Come to think of it, every time I’m hanging around with you Raiden, I always feel a strange feeling. Could this mean you have high spiritual energy?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care,” Raiden spoken rapidly. “I have no interest in becoming a Soul Reaper and I don't wish to become one.”

“Fine,” said one of the boys sitting next to Raiden. “Eat your fish Raiden, it’s getting cold.”

Night had come again, everyone was asleep except Raiden as usual. He had been wondering all day about how Riku said whenever he was around him, that he’d feel weird. He told himself, “I don’t have high spiritual energy, that’s pure nonsense.” Raiden went to sleep.

A cloud had appeared before Raiden. It seemed to have lightning coming out of it, but was this just any lightning? It seemed to be coming towards Raiden in the shape of a phoenix. As it approached him, Raiden said out loud, “What are you?”

“Boy,” it said. “I need you to know my name, I am your Zanpakuto.”

“Zanpakuto? Zanpakuto as in Soul Slayer?” Raiden asked.

“Yes, boy, I want you to become a Soul Reaper.”

“But why me?” Raiden asked.

“You have high spiritual energy, enough to become a Soul Reaper. I need you to take control of that energy in order to know my name. Once you know my name, I will be in your control and I will do all it takes for you to be safe.”

“How can I become a Soul Reaper?” Raiden asked in a low voice.

“You shall find the path,” it replied, “We shall meet again in the future, that is when you will know my name, now go.” The phoenix went back up to the clouds and vanished.

Raiden woke up. It was morning again. He saw his friends gathered around him, starring. “Were you just dreaming, Raiden,” one boy asked. “We heard you say something about becoming a Soul Reaper, is that true, do you really want to become one?”

As Raiden stood up, he saw Riku had an excited expression on his face. Raiden nodded and said, “Something has made me want to become one, I feel I must really become one.”

“That’s great,” shouted Riku. “I feel so glad for you Raiden, I knew you had the potential for becoming one, I had been waiting for this day since the first time I’ve met you!”

“We will celebrate this afternoon at the river,” said a boy next to Riku.

The day had passed quickly, they had been swimming in the river since evening. This had brought back memories to Raiden since they all first became friends. He knew he would miss those old days. “You know, I will still visit you guys when I-” Raiden paused. He suddenly had a sad expression on his face. He had felt not like friends with them, but more like a family.

Riku went up to Raiden. “Don’t feel sad, we’ll be alright. We’ll be looking forward to seeing you soon. You’re welcome to visit us whenever you’d like.”

Raiden smiled. He realized that there was nothing to feel sad about, for he was not abandoning them. As he walked away, waving, he knew there was something good awaiting his future. He couldn’t wait until he would become a Soul Reaper.

alannacho
06-07-2008, 02:39 PM
The application is not a bad start, though more detail could be add in all of the sections.

Also, make sure to use proper punctuation and layout. It's best to separate dialogue from one person to another so there is no confusion. For example, let's look at this passage.

“Where is everybody,” asked Raiden. “They went to the docks to catch fish.” Raiden calmly looked to the sky, usually he would say something like “Why didn’t they wake me up!?” “I’m going to catch up to them, aren’t you going to,” Riku asked. “No,” replied Raiden. “I’ll just wait here.” “Ok then, we’ll bring you your fish soon,” Riku ran quickly.

In this there is a few punctuation mistakes, and it's a little difficult to know when Raiden is talking versus Riku. Here's how it can be improved.

“Where is everybody?” asked Raiden.

“They went to the docks to catch fish.”

Raiden calmly looked to the sky. Usually he would say something like Why didn’t they wake me up!?

“I’m going to catch up to them. Aren’t you going to?” Riku asked.

“No,” replied Raiden. “I’ll just wait here.”

“Ok then, we’ll bring you your fish soon,” Riku ran quickly.

The bold part would be considered an incomplete paragraph. For paragraphs that are not dialogue, try to have at least 4 sentences. I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you have any questions.

Soulking
06-07-2008, 07:28 PM
The application is not a bad start, though more detail could be add in all of the sections.

Also, make sure to use proper punctuation and layout. It's best to separate dialogue from one person to another so there is no confusion. For example, let's look at this passage.



In this there is a few punctuation mistakes, and it's a little difficult to know when Raiden is talking versus Riku. Here's how it can be improved.



The bold part would be considered an incomplete paragraph. For paragraphs that are not dialogue, try to have at least 4 sentences. I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you have any questions.
Thanks for correcting me. Now I know what I need to do. Thanks again.

Edit: I edited the first post, how is it now?

blackheartz
06-08-2008, 09:16 AM
Your application looks alright, but you might want to expand on your character's appearance. Personality is alright, but you might want to add in a few more traits to make it clearer how your character is. Zanpakutou can be elaborated further. Biography is fine.

Soulking
06-09-2008, 03:19 AM
Your application looks alright, but you might want to expand on your character's appearance. Personality is alright, but you might want to add in a few more traits to make it clearer how your character is. Zanpakutou can be elaborated further. Biography is fine.
Ok, I fixed it. And I'm going to add pictures for the Zanpakuto and Appearance sections.

Ultranator
06-09-2008, 05:04 AM
Pictures are alright, but this is a writing based RPG. I think it's better to try and describe it with words.

Soulking
06-10-2008, 01:25 AM
Pictures are alright, but this is a writing based RPG. I think it's better to try and describe it with words.
Oh ok then... well what do you think of it now? As you can see, I made a few changes.

blackheartz
06-10-2008, 04:07 AM
Tell me more about Raiden's face. What kind of shape is it? Is his chin sharp edged? Also, try not to create stuff relating to Raiden's Zanpakutou as of yet, at least until he has achieved that release. This is the phrase I was talking about:

with the exception of his sash, which is a yellowish-goldish color, symbolizing his zanpakuto's spirit.

Other than that, everything looks passable. I glanced through your sample and noticed you could fix your punctuation a little. Especially your speech punctuations. Search up the internet for help, or your english teacher could help on that as well. There's much room for improvement, but it depends on whether you want to go that extra mile fill that room.

Aicerno
06-20-2008, 01:00 AM
Taking two paragraphs from the sample chapter, you might want to look at rephrasing it:

You wrote:
Raiden had couldn’t help but to say, “Why do you guys even care about Soul Reapers, all they do is walk around with their precious swords.” “Raiden, how could you say such a thing, weren’t you the one who told us about that one Soul Reaper you found when you first came here,” blurted out one of the boys.

“That’s true,” said another boy. “You told us that you saw a man dressed in a black kimono and white obi that was wearing a sword on his left side.” “So what if I said that, it’s not like I want to become one or anything. I mean, I don’t even know how you become one.”

Instead try this:

Raiden couldn't help but say, "Why do you guys even care about soul reapers? All they do is walk around with their precious swords..."

"Raiden," one of the other boys blurted out. "How could you say such a thing? Weren't you the one who told us about that one soul reaper you found when you first came here?"

"That's true," another boy chimed in. “You told us that you saw a man dressed in a black kimono and white obi that was wearing a sword on his left side.”

Raiden's face flushed in embarrassment and frustration as he said, "So what if I said that? It’s not like I want to become one or anything. I mean, I don’t even know how you become one.”

Good starting app though, I'll re-read the first part again and see what else I can suggest you work on before submitting the final app.