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[Application] Fox Hitsumara <11th Division> - BleachAnime.org Forums

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articfox286
07-09-2008, 07:20 AM
name-Fox Hitsumara <11th divison>

age-time of death 19-is now 29

appearance-he is a sum what muscular man his hair is long and white he wears a pur white kimono insted of the typacal black one his eyes are of ice blue and there is a scar over his right eye

personality-he is cocky and very confident he hot ablooded temper often gets him into trouble he firmly belives in protecting his friends and would put everything on the line for sumthen he belives in .. tho a bit stand offish at times and may seem stuck up or cold hearted he just likes to be left alone and only wishes to become strong so that he may portect what he belives in

biography-he resided in the rukon district and lived a harsh live there everyday was hell for him for he had this feeling of wanting to fight .tho not knowing where and why he had this feeling every day in the district was tourtcher for him .. all he could think about was becoming stronger for resson he did not know at the time . while he was htere he had to take to stealing food and othere things . to pass the time he had this flute he didint know where it came form but just knew he had it and knew how to play the flute so when he felt like things where to hard on him and he kick back and play his flute .. he knew only around 8 melodys but his favorite was like a lalaby melody everytime he played it it made him com then oneday while ploundering the streets for food ... he over hured sum pepole talking about the soul reapers .. and it put thoughts into his head .. causing him to think that he could put this over welming feeling to fight to use by joining the soul reapers so with that his mind was made up and that very day he went and applyed for a postion in the acadamy .

Divison -11th division

zanpakuto-his zanpakuto was as a normal katana all but the hilt the hilt of the blade was in the shape of a dragon at the end was the head of the dragon its eyes where or red and the dragons body curls around the hilt with wing like ears going down the hilt form the head the color of the hilt and dragon was white with sum greenish areas .. the sheath of the blade is pure black with yellowish tent and hases a dragon head on bouth sides. along the hilt form the twisted around body are2 claws on each side of the hilt totaling 4 claws..at the end of the hilt where the dragons head was at the mouth of the dragon is open with 10 theeth 2 fangs in the top front and 2 in the middle of the mouth .. and 3 on each side of the bottom jaw.

sample mission. He yawns awaking up form his bareks and looks over out the window his eyes widen as he relizes he is late for class. He get drassed rushing puting on his white kimono bringing his hands up and runing his fingers throw his long silverish hair.Then shaking his head leting his hair move back then forth .. He then rushes out the door runing along the hall not paying any atteion to where he was going. As he rushes he comes up upon a person in his way with quick refelxses he bends he puts presser on his back foot using that pressuer to thrust into the air. In the air he leans forwared going for a front flip . Mid flip he twistes his body to the right turning the flip into a twisted flip over the person . He landd on the floor his right foot first as he land on it lens forward and thrustes again into the air .. He then keeps doing this action covering more ground this way. He makes it to the class room and rushes in as he gets in the teacher looks at him then scolds him for being late. He twitches a bit and mutters under his breath and then takes his place in line. The teacher then goses about discribing how to use kido spicificly the firstyle kido.. The students then take there turns at hiting teh practice targets they had set up for the students. Since he was late he had to go last .. He was a bit ancey as he watched the othere go befor him . When it finaly gets his turn he licks his lips with excitement as he exstends his right hand outwared . His eyes nerrow as he begans to concetrate energy inot the palm of his hand he says the porper words. And then starts to show off as he fires off 5 blastes there where 10 side by side targets. With a humph sound he turns around as the 5 kido attacks sore throw the air. The hit off to the sricking inbetween each target each blast taking out 2 targets at once . With hsi back ot it the teacher says to him * aint you gonna see how you did * fox then replyes to the teacher * no need * he says toher with a cocky smirk on his face. He then looks at the othere students as they wehre whispering to them selfs about how well he did on his first try . His eyes nerrowed at then the teacher says that it for today. With that he takes his leave and walks out the practice area . He then takes in a deep breath and makes a heavey sigh . Thinking to him self * am not satasfyied i want actual combat i want to feel the excitement of a blade nearing my body and just nerrowly missing* His right eye then twitches and he takes anothere breath letingout once more anothere sigh .He then makes his way out taward the training filed and decieds to get sum sword practice in.. He slideds his hand over to get his hilt then twitches as he had forgot his zanpakuto. He then rushes back tohis room and gets it as he makes his way back he mutters to himself not being able to belive he had forgot it.. As he returns to the practice filed his hand slideds over to his side griping his hilt and sliding it form his sheeth. He then begans to practice his blade movement and thrustes . As he rotates his body to the left coming around with his right hand which was the hand holding his blade. he makes a downward slash the darts forwared. He runs up the wall in fornt him and doses a back flip coming stright down with his blade. He keeps this up for the rest of the day . When night fell he sheeth his blade being tired he makes his way to his room and takes off his kimono and hanging it up placing his night garments on. He puts his blade beside hsi bed then lays down calling it a day .

MagicalBells
07-10-2008, 07:08 AM
Hello Fox, welcome to the BARPG. The very first thing that jumps out to me about your application is an overall lack of punctuation and grammar, as well as many spelling errors. I would suggest processing your application in Microsoft Word or any other program that correct and assist you with errors.

On the bright side, third person is in use throughout the application, which is a good start. You have a very descriptive Zanpakuto, which is also a nice way to begin. But, I do notice that your character's name is missing from the entire application and everything uses the word "he" as a subject. Try to mix it around with the character's name, pronouns, and other words like "the tall man" or such to make it flow better.

Overall, try to find a word processing program and think about ways to implement your character's name, then we will be able to help you more easily.

alannacho
07-11-2008, 02:51 AM
Hello, Fox. I have to second MB's suggestion for using a word processing program to type up your application. The software will have tools you can use to correct for spelling and grammar. If you don't have and can't afford Microsoft Word, I would suggest Open Office. It is a free open source office suite that offers a lot of different software like Microsoft Office, and you can even save them as a Word document.

Your sample mission is also short. The minimum for that is 1000 words, and your mission only has 690 roughly. In addition, try to start a new paragraph every 4 to 6 sentences. This helps the mission to run smoothly and help make it easier to read.

Appearance is lacking. Consider adding more details to both sections. How tall is he? Does he keep clean or smells like a pigpen? Describing Fox in more detail helps to paint a picture in everyone's mind.