[Application] Kato Daishiro <11th Division>

[Torack234]

name:
Kato Daishiro

Gender:
Male

Age:
Daishiro was 35 when he died due to a gun-shot wound directly below the diaphram. He is now currently 45 years old

Appearance:
Kato Daishiro is a mildy built man, handsome, and has jet-black hair. His expretionless face, stiff body, quiteness tend to make most people unconfortable around him. Also, he has tattoos all over his body, there isn't a single patch of skin under the chin that isn't inked. He claims that every single one of his tattoos are from a mission, someone he killed, or sometimes even both.

Personality
Daishiro is a formal, strict, and knowledgable in his line of busniness. he rarely talks, only when he has to, answering questions, or in company with his friends. Not to mention he is, ironically, very friendly, and very easy to get used to... if only people weren't in such a rush to get away from him. Furthermore, he is outstandingly smart, and tricky. Allways getting the results he wants from a mission. His family motto, and the words he says when he has outsmarted, hoodwinked, fooled his first enemy was: "Knowing the number of steps your opponent's stairs have can be the difference between life and death."

Biography:
Kato Daishiro is the most feared, influential, and powerful leader of a large family of criminal masterminds. He has connections with the government, the police, and even the president. His mansion, or should I say, his castle-like house was built by his ancestor, Kato Akiaki, in 1874 in the city of Kyoto, making it the largest residential building in the city.

Daishiro was retrieving a chip that could cause the American army to come to Japan causing another world war, when suddenly his bodygaurd, Tozawa, had been shot in the back. Daishiro wheeled around, silencer in hand, and shot the man, injuring him in his left arm. After a few seconds, the man shot Daishiro directly below the diaphram, dropped the gun, and walked off. The president had shot him! He had been outsmarted by the president, and he had to pay with it with his life. In his last hour of agonizing pain, a man dressed in a strange outfit walked to him, pulled out his katana and poked the man in the head with the hilt of his sword and he dissapeared through a doorway.

Division:
I am applying to the 3rd Division

Zanpakuto appearance:
Daishiro's Zanpakuto looks like any other natural katana, silver 67cm blade, decorated hilt 20cm, light weight, and rubber sheath.

Sample mission:
in new post

[MagicalBells]

First, I'd like to say welcome to the BARPG Kato. Your application is a decent start, but there are a few scattered grammar and punctuational errors. I would suggest running your application through a word processor to catch any mistakes you may have missed. There is a free word processing website available if you do not have one. Just look at the Newbie Guide posted by Tenshi.

Now, on to your application. Your personality and appearance sections are pretty short. They need to be more detailed. Talk about any prominent features or markings he may have gained over the years, or anything like that for appearance. For the personality you could add in things about intelligence, leadership skills, laziness or diligence, things like that.

Also, for your appearance section. I noticed Kato is 6'7" and only 140 pounds. This would make him incredibly thin to the point where his ribs were showing and he was malnourished. Most men that size would be near or above 200 pounds, especially matching up with his love of sweets. It's up to you if you'd like to alter that or not, but he would be an incredibly thin man.

Biography: Here, all I would suggest would be to space out your paragraph distinctions to make it easier to read.

Sample Mission: Your sample mission is only 687 words long, which is about 300 short of the requirement of 1000. If you need a word counter to keep track of your pace, feel free to request one in the Ask A Question section. Other than that, I would just suggest you run the sample mission through a word processor as well to catch any errors. Ask someone around you to proofread it if you feel comfortable with that as well. It can be very helpful for catching things you may have missed.

[Torack234]

Sample mission:
Daishiro walked with a bunch of other students towards the academy. He had his hands in his pocket and his sheathed sword where it always is, he was looking towards the heavens with his reddish-brownish eyes.

He was recalling the day when his friends had been slaughtered in front of his eyes: he was laughing and enjoying his time with friends before he applied for the academy, when suddenly a man with a cracked katana came towards them and killed his two friends, Daishiro walked away with a mortal wound to his right arm and chest .

Recalling all of this made him angry, but didn't wipe the smile of his face, his motto was: "My today must be better than my yesterday". It was a code he lived by and would cherish for the rest of his life.

As he walked into the class with many other students, their teacher drew his zanpakuto and ordered the class to order a line and to walk into a portal with him. They all followed in and before them they saw the same number of hallows as students.

Ten students went ahead of Daishiro until it was finally his turn. He took on a hallow that was at least 12 ft tall. It swung its right arm at Daishiro and he jumped to the left a second too late. His left leg was scarred and blood started dripping down.

His never-fading smile ticked off the Hallow and it jumped towards Daishiro. Taking more caution now, Daishiro jumped towards the left while the Hallow was still in the air. The Hallow landed on the floor with air as its only prey.

Daishiro charged in the direction of the Hallow and jumped, when his sword was 2 inches away from the Hallows neck, it swung him away like a man swings a way a fly.

Landing on his feet Daishiro stood up, the smile gone only to be replaced by another smile. This time it wasn't the same warm smile, but a wicked, evil smile.

He ran again at the hallow and when it swung right he went right, and jumped for its neck, It span its over-sized white left hand at Daishiro. Jumping once again to dodge the second swing he swung at the neck with all his might. But sadly to his dismay, to only make a small crack.

Daishiro insisted on swinging it over and over again like a mad-man would while playing moles-in-a-whole. At least it worked and the Hallows head finally came off with more effort than Daishiro had anticipated.

He got praised for his good -- but odd -- work. He stood out of the other students, like a giant pimple in the tip of a man's nose. Daishiro was the most battered and bloodiest student out of them all.

When they got back to the academy it was an hour till nightfall. And everyone's wounds were treated. After they all got sent to their dorms, Daishiro jumped on his bed, and tried to sleep, but couldn't so he didn't sleep for some hours until he stood up and sneaked out of his dorm to the academy.

He went to the training grounds with the dummies on their poles; Daishiro walked towards one and started swinging his zanpakuto at it. He practiced moves he'd seen other shinigamis use while sparring. Daishiro practiced until sunrise with no perfection with this new skill he was trying to learn.

His feet would support him no longer and he dropped on his knees with his zanpakuto's tip on the floor, while he was holding it from the top of the hilt. Daishiro's sensei walked in and asked if he had even slept, Daishiro being truthful as he is answered in the negative.

"Daishiro, go to your dorm and sleep, take the rest of the day off. Come back to me tomorrow and I'll teach you a new move." Happy about this Daishiro walked back to his dorm to find out what the new move he was going to learn was either stronger than the one he was practicing or the same ones.

He slept for nearly the whole day that day and when he woke, it was five past ten. Daishiro yawned and stretched his hand upwards in a right-angled sort of way. Suddenly remembering how his sensei told him that he was going to teach him a new move, he got up and put his sheathed zanpakuto were he always puts it.

Daishiro realized just then that class didn't start until tomorrow. Shrugging he walked out of his dorm, this time carelessly not caring if anyone heard him or not. To his surprise, no one heard him, or if they did they thought it was just an annoying raccoon searching for food.

As he arrived in the training grounds he surprisingly found his sensei leaning on one of the dummies holding his zanpakuto unsheathed, bloodied, and ready for combat. "Draw your zanpakuto Daishiro-san. I'll teach you a move, but… you'll have to give me at least a small paper-cut with that zanpakuto of yours.

"Here are the rules: none of us can use shi-kai or ban-kai, or anything after that, because that would be unfair to you, two: no killing, im enforcing this on my self more than you Daishiro, and three: don't destroy more than ten things while in combat for each person. Got it?"

Daishiro unsheathed his zanpakuto to confirm that he had agreed, he felt as if he were being treated by a kid and the person whom he was fighting was at leas if not at most five years younger than him.

Running at him with his full speed Daishiro slashed with his left, then as his sensei dodged effortlessly to the right, Daishiro swung, only to be blocked. Anger made Daishiro's blood boil and he jumped back and again ran at him, and again only to be blocked.

Amazingly, even though Daishiro was angry his smile only faded a couple of times to be replaced by newer, enriched smiles. It was Daishiro's sensei to attack; swinging at him with such precision and skill, Daishiro was amazed that one so young can achieve so much.

With only a few strokes, Daishiro was bloodied up, and crushed by the power of his zanpakuto. Unwilling to give in Daishiro ran at him – with a little caution and rolled to the right, and swung his leg in a circular motion to trip his sensei.

His sensei was laughing hysterically at his ignorance in fighting, and was about to go for a killing blow, when Daishiro flipped and stood up, dumbfounded. If he had not reacted the sword would have most certainly gone through his chest killing him again while he was dead.

A large malevolence smile increased across his face. Daishiro ran at him; then suddenly his sensei appeared behind him, a whole three seconds went by when a large pool of blood splattered out of Daishiro from nearly all corners of his body.

Bearing the pain and gritting his teeth Daishiro, managed to get his zanpakuto on his sensei's right shoulder and slit it. It wasn't a big cut nor was it a small one, but it didn't hurt him in the least. Anger replaced the kindness in his sensei's face, and the thirst for more blood was evident.

He swung where Daishiro's neck had been, Daishiro apparently ducked before he could be decapitated. Taking full advantage of the opportunity, Daishiro swung his sword on his sensei's abdomen injuring him severely. Daishiro had two advantages: to either run or finish his mad blood-crazy sensei right now.

Daishiro stood up; taking his zanpakuto with the little energy he had left and was going to do a finish blow, when suddenly the attack was blocked by his sensei. Daishiro pushed himself back, and the battle started all over again. It lasted longer than Daishiro could have hoped, and he was on the brink of death.

His sensei spoke in a cold clear voice "Your dead, Daishiro," a smile a larger smile appeared on Daishiro's face, "I'm already dead, sensei."

Both of them knew well that this was going to be Daishiro's last attack, and both took good precautions on it. Daishiro headed for his sensei sprinting and, instead of aiming for his body, he strangely attacked his sword, and split it in half. Flabbergasted Daishiro's sensei just stared at his now-useless zanpakuto.

Angry at the sudden change of events he aimed his injured zanpakuto at Daishiro, when abruptly a captain appeared, Daishiro didn't know the captain's name but saw a number "6" in the back of the captain's uniform.

"That’s enough Ryojiro. You've gotten beat by a new student; you have to stick to your words Ryojiro. He has given you two marks, and you said one simple paper-cut cut. And I can also notice he split your zanpakuto." The sixth captain looked at Ryojiro with a grim face – with, also, a hint of disgust, before walking away.

"Well now, Daishiro, time to teach you that new move." Said Ryojiro pathetically, Daishiro scoffed, shook his head, and walked back to his dorm.

Daishiro had his wounds treated in a pretty long period of time. It felt like a year to him, but it was actually only two months. He had found that when he went back to the academy that Ryojiro was no longer their sensei, but another one.

When he took a seat, the sensei noticed Daishiro and a large smile spread across his face before saying "Daishiro, I'd like a… few words with you… if you don’t mind that is," and the sensei walked out of the class waiting for Daishiro.

Daishiro annoyed and knowing exactly what was going to happen groaned a large audible groan before following the sensei out of the class, and withdrew his zanpakuto from his sheath.

A tense silence filled the room, and continued filling the room as if an over-sized hallow and snapped their mouths shut and laughed at them and mocked at them. Then without warning the "clang" of two zanpakuto's could be heard, breaking the silence but adding to the tension. Each time while one wants to destroy the other.
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I hope that was long enough, and i also changed the things you asked me to.

[alannacho]

Hello, Daishiro. Welcome and thank you for applying to BARPG.

In your sample mission, I found a lot of grammar and punctuation errors. You had a lot of run-on sentences and incomplete sentences. Also, paragraphs should be 4-6 sentences roughly. This may change when there is a conversation involved, and the conversation moves between two or more people.

I suggest that you use a word processing program in order to use the tools available to check from spelling and grammar errors. Also, I suggest that you seek out a 3rd party separate from BARPG to read and critique your work. They can often find things that you may have missed and help to improve your mission even more. I hope this helps.