[Application] Matt Dilworth <13th Division>

[MattDilworth]

Name:
Matthew Dilworth

Gender:
male

Age:
14 when died
30 currently

Appearance:
5' '11' And about 100 lbs
My character is of average build and height, but has long brown hair and a green band putting it into a ponytail. Brown eyes, He wears a long black robe with a white handkerchief in one pocked, but nobody knows why...
He keeps his zanpakuto hanging from his belt and always wants it close to him
Although he is 30 currently in the soul society he still acts like and resembles a 14 year old teenage boy.
When wearing clothes in the real world he’ll tend to just wear jeans (normally black) and a plain T shirt, but will normally have something on him that will always make him stand out, like an oversized chain or a large hat.
Under whatever he is wearing he will always wear a silver chain round his neck, it was found on him when he first entered soul society and he rarely takes it off.


Personality:
Matthew has several annoying qualities about him such as making jokes at inappropriate times and often seeming unable to acknowledge that others are feeling upset. He does however have a few good traits; he is overall a very friendly person and is hoping for a friend over an enemy. He enjoy fighting and prefers to use speed to bring down his opponents, he does not know when the best time is to back down from a fight and will continue fighting until he has been knocked out or dragged away by others on his side.
He isn’t very open to new ideas and is always happy to argue with anyone who tries to force their opinions on him. Despite this he 99/100 will listen and obey his captain on every instruction.

Biography:
Matthew lived a normal life up until he was about 12, then he began to see souls...and hollows. When he was 14 he was attacked by a hollow, luckily a nearby shinigami managed to kill the monster but it had already dealt a fatal amount of damage to him. The soul reaper sent his soul to the soul society where for a few years Matthew lived in the 71st district (not the friendliest place on earth). Shortly after arriving there he was beaten up by several others hoping that he had some money on him. He vowed this would never happen again so began training to become stronger.
After training for a very long time he met a soul reaper who claimed he could help him get into the gotei 13.
Division applying to:
13th division

Zanpakuto appearance:

Matthew’s zanpakuto is rather slim but is very long for his height, he holds it in both hand but also like to hold it in his right hand, and he will only fight with in his left hand if his right arm is injured. The blade itself is black but has a dark green sheathe. It is about metre and a half long and a couple of inches wide. the point at the end is razor sharp

Sample mission

I woke up, the sunlight was pouring through the shutters on my window.
I tried to get up but my body had other ideas, I was still aching all over from getting attacked a few days ago, since then I had began training to become stronger, it wasn’t going very well. I spend all day yesterday in a wide open space trying to improve my speed and running form invisible enemies. I need a training partner if i am ever actually going to improve my skill.
I got up and pulled a t-shirt on over my head, I live in district 71 which means life is pretty tough, I’ve met a few nice people there though, there’s this old lady who lets me stay at her house as long as I promise to fight off anyone who tries to break in. Luckily I haven’t had to fight anyone off yet.
I left the small run down shack that I currently call home and headed toward my normal training ground, there was already someone there. I know better than to pick a fight with someone who has more weapons than me (especially considering that I only have my fist and he has a sword).
I decided to watch him train for a while; I hid behind a tree as he swung his sword about and wondered if he was a member of the 13 gotei. I looked around and realised that I wasn’t going to gain any strength or experience from watching another person train, and it certainly did help that he was facing away from me.
I got up from where i had been crouching and began to walk back to my home; it was then that the man training called out to me “Hey, going so soon? I was beginning to enjoy having an audience”.
I turned towards him, it was now that I saw his face, he had a kind looking face and something about him just made me think he was trustworthy (a quality not many people around here have). He beckoned me to come to him and I did so, it was then i saw that he was in fact carrying two swords, one in his hand, and one from his belt.
“Wanna train with me?” he asked me.
“Sure” I said, I couldn’t believe the luck I was having, this guy seemed be showing quite an interest in me. He handed me the sword hanging from his belt. I was surprised.
“You’ll let me borrow this sword?” i asked hoping his response would be yes.
“No...” he said, my heart sank but he did not take the sword from me “...I’m going to let you keep that sword”.
I couldn’t thank him enough; I took it in my hands and began to swing it about just missing his face (that would have been a nasty accident). “It looks like you’re going to need some help on how to work a zanpakuto” he said “don’t worry I’ll teach you”.
For the rest of that day I and he battled and I could actually tell my skill was improving. At first whenever he drew his sword against me I would back away in panic but he was very patient and taught me “don’t fear someone just because they have a sword, it’s if and how they will use it on you that matters”.
My speed was improving too, about half way through the training i managed to actually mount an offence of my own rather than just blocking all of his moves, he countered of course and sent he blade right towards my neck but I dodged quickly and held my sword to his throat.
“Well...” he said “it seems you have bested me in this fight, congratulations”. I knew he had been going easy on me but i still felt a sense of pride knowing that (whether he had let me or not) i had still bested him in that little contest we had.
At the end of the day he told me to return home and get good nights sleep. He told me we could continue training again tomorrow.
“But you haven’t yet told me your name” I said to him.
“Oh didn’t I?” he said “Hiromu Kyoto, of the 13th squad”
“Wow” I said “is there anyway i could get into one of the 13 squads?” I asked.
“If you train hard enough...” he was cut off
A dagger emerged from his chest and behind him was the man who had stabbed him, he looked at me and I just ran, I ran and ran and continued running until I was as far away as my legs could have carried me. I was a coward, my mentor, my best friend, he had just been attacked, probably killed, and I had run away.
I returned to the site where it had happened but nobody was there, and in the coming days and weeks I never heard of or saw him. All I had to remember him by was the sword he had gave me and I did not even know its name..
If he was still alive I would find him and apologize for running when he most needed me, I will train to joint squad 13 and fight alongside him; I just hope he didn’t die...
From now on I will always wear my sword hanging from my belt, to honour his memory.

[blankdoor]

Hello MattDilworth, thank you for expressing an interest in BARPG, but firstly we need to discuss your application.

Appearance:

Firstly your appearance; I believe this could be expanded and improved, by adding things like facial features and being more specific with his height and weight.

Also…

He keeps his very close to him at all times and has it hanging from his belt.

I find this slightly ambiguous, I would recommend proof reading and running through a word processor to help try and correct all mistakes in this application.

Personality:

Your personality section could use a little more detail, as we all need to get a feel for your character, and until you start posting missions this is the only reference we have of your characters behaviour.

Biography:

In your biography I would like to see a little more detail, I understand that your character is young, but what did your character do before the academy? Why is the 71st district not the friendliest place on earth?

Zanpakuto:

Now the thing with your Zanpakuto is that it lacks detail completely, how long is his Zanpakuto? (As we do have regulations concerning this.) And what is his preferred fighting style? Does your character prefer kidou or Hakuda?

Sample Mission:

Finally I would like to ask, where is your sample mission? This is a 1000 word essay about your character; this could be a day in class while in the Academy; or a day in the life of the Rukongai area in which you resided. If you are currently writing this I will read and evaluate it once posted, if not this is a key factor of your application as it lets us view your writing skills, so this is vital.

I am keen to see this application be updated, as your character shows promise, if you have any questions please feel free to PM me and I will do my best to answer your questions.

[MattDilworth]

thanks for the feedback, i will make some changes to it.
should i post the new info about my character by editing the old one, or just put it in a new post?

[blackheartz]

I would advise you to edit your post. It would make this thread less messy.

[MattDilworth]

okay i've edited it, i'll add a sample mission as soon as i've written it

[blankdoor]

I’m sorry for declining your App, but there are still a few things wrong, and it’s all to do with your sample mission.

Sample mission:

Firstly due to the way have laid it out it was quite difficult to follow, I propose adding space between your paragraphs as at first glance it looks like one block of text. Secondly, this is not major, but we usually refer to our characters in the third person. If you sort out these issues, as presentation is a major thing as well as grammar in BARPG.

Also in your sample mission I noticed you received a Zanpakuto off a shinigami that was carrying two around with him, I think this is a little odd. Finally the most major of the things wrong with the application is that your sample mission isn’t 1000 words long.

Please correct theses mistakes and then I will re-read and make another judgment of your work, thank you.

[MattDilworth]

Okay heres the new 3rd person version, 1000 words exactly

Matthew woke up, the sunlight was pouring through the shutters on my window. It was already sunny outside, maybe today was going to be a good day.
He tried to get up but my body had other ideas, Matthew was still aching all over from getting attacked a few days ago, since then he had began training to become stronger, it wasn’t going very well. He would spend all day in a wide open space trying to improve his speed and running from invisible enemies. Matt needed a training partner if he was ever actually going to improve his skill.
He got up and pulled a t-shirt on over his head, he lives in district 71 which means life is pretty tough, He has met a few nice people there though, there’s an old lady who lets him stay at her house as long as he promises to fight off anyone who tries to break in. Luckily he hasn’t had to fight anyone off yet.

He left the small run down shack that he currently calls home and headed toward his normal training ground, which was just a wide open space of dirt, there was already someone there. Matt knew better than to pick a fight with someone who has more weapons than me (especially considering that he only had his small sword and the stranger had a very large and mighty looking one).
Matt decided to watch him train for a while; he hid behind a tree as the mysterious man swung his sword about. Matt wondered if he was a member of the 13 gotei. he looked around and realised that he wasn’t going to gain any strength or experience from watching another person train, and it certainly did help that he was facing away from him.

Matt got up from where Matt had been crouching and began to walk back to my home; it was then that the man training called out to him “Hey, going so soon? Matt was beginning to enjoy having an audience”.
Matthew turned towards him, starting to feel a sense of excitement, it was then that Matt saw his face, he had a kind looking face and something about him just made me think he was trustworthy (a quality not many people around here have). He beckoned me to come to him and Matthew did so.
“Wanna train with me?” he asked me.
“Sure” Matt said, Matt couldn’t believe the luck Matt was having, this guy seemed be showing quite an interest in me. He took Matt’s sword out and he looked at it.
"This looks rather impressive" he said "it has a lot of potential”.

Well now Matt wanted to impress him; he took it in his hands and began to swing it about just his training partner’s face (that would have been a nasty accident). “It looks like you’re going to need some help on how to work a zanpakuto” he said “don’t worry I’ll teach you”.
For the rest of that day Matt and he battled and Matt could actually tell his skill was improving. At first whenever he drew his sword against Matt he would back away in panic but the man was very patient and said to Matthew “don’t fear someone just because they have a sword, its if and how they will use it on you that matters”.

His speed was improving too, about half way through the training Matt managed to actually mount an offence of his own rather than just blocking all of the moves made on him, Matt directed his sword right towards the man’s head, he countered of course and sent his blade right towards Matt’s neck but Matt dodged quickly and held his sword to his partner’s throat.
“Well...” he said “it seems you have bested me in this fight, congratulations”. Matt knew he had been going easy on him but Matt still felt a sense of pride knowing that (whether he had let him win or not) Matt had still bested him in that little contest he and the stranger had had.

At the end of the day he told Matt to return home and get good night’s sleep. He told him we could continue training again tomorrow.
“But you haven’t yet told me your name” Matt said to him.
“Oh didn’t I?” he said “Hiromu Kyoto, of the 13th squad”
“Wow” Matt said “is there anyway Matt could get into one of the 13 squads?” he eagerly asked.
“If you train hard enough...” he stopped, at first Matt didn’t know why he had stopped talking by then he started coughing blood.

A dagger emerged from his chest and behind him was the man who had stabbed him, he looked toward Matt and Matt just ran, he ran and ran and continued running until he was as far away as his rather tired legs could have carried him. Matt felt like he was a coward, his mentor, his new best friend had just been attacked, probably killed, and Matt had run away.
He returned to the site where it had happened but nobody was there, and in the coming days and weeks Matt never heard of or saw him. All Matt had to remember him by was the sword training he had given him. Every day matt would return to the training site and spend several hours training and thinking of his mentor who had given him so much in such little time.

If he was still alive Matt would find him and apologize for running when he most needed him, Matthew continued training so he could join squad 13 and fight alongside him; Matt just hoped that he hadn’t died...
Ever since then Matt has always worn his sword hanging from his belt, to honour the memory of Hiromu Kyoto.

Several days later Matt heard from a village gossiper that a man had been seen in district 29 with injuries sounding similar to the ones Matt’s mentor had received.