[Application] Shion Bluerose <13th division>

[Bluerose]

Name: Shion Bluerose

Gender: Female

Age:25years (at death) 40years(in soul society)

Appearance: Her hair is black and comes down to just above the knees but is kept in a bun. She has a slim figure that is complimented with muscular tone. Her height is 5' 9" without shoes. She wears black robes, dresses that very in length and swim suits depending on her mood. She has removed the sleeves on all the robes that she owns. This is so that nothing can conflict with her range her arms motion. She weighs 124 pounds. She has a cat like face. It is the results of genetic experiments. When she was young her father tried to find out what would happen if you implanted feline DNA in a humans face. She hides her face behind a gold mask of an angel so that most people never see her face.

Personality: She handles situations with a mellow approach. In other words, she never will show any emotions in her speech or facial appearance when in a tough spot. She tends to like and trusts all people, even the villains. She shows her trust by making fun of the person she trust. Unfortunately, they tend to take it the wrong way. She tends to get picked on for her constant use of “Hiya”, “Hmmmm” and “uhhhhh” that make up most of her grammar. She constantly trips any one that run past her without out saying hiya. She has a nervous twitch that she does, if any one taller is around and they look at her and that is that her eyebrows start to tremble.

Biography: On the subject of how she lived she is unable to remember anything about that. The reason for this is a forced amnesia that was inflicted on her. She is currently confused and unable to remember where she came from or how she lived. All she knows is that she was going to get married the day after she lost her memories. She woke up one day, and she was standing behind some shinigami that just saved her from some hollows. Now, she seeks to become one so that she may one day save some one like her, a person who was about to get married the next day and now cant even remember who or where.

Division applying to: 13th

Zanpakuto appearance: The total length is 100cm from the tip of the blade to the base of the hilt. When one looks at this zanpakuto it would have the same shape as a night stick that cops carry. The hilt is a blood red color with a blue rose engraved in to it. The guard is a jet black that fades to red as it goes out 20cm then connects to the base of the hilt. The hilts length is 20cm (1/5 of total length). The guard can also double as another hilt so one can wield it like a regular sword. The guard comes out of the base of the sword in the shape of a L, so that when wielded by the guard/hilt the blade will go back up the users arm. With the hilt and guard place the way they are, the wielder can use it in two ways. The first way is to hold it is to have the blade along the arm, like a night stick. The other is to have the blade outwards like a regular sword. The blade is a simple katana blade that is two colors; the center is jet black that fade in to the rims blood red color. The sheath is made of the clearest diamonds so that one can see the blades true colors.

fighting style:

Shion has two main fighting styles she uses. The first one is called Sacred Darvish or SD for short. SD is a very fast style that uses light strikes that look like a dance with a slender sword performing a sacred ritual dance. This fighting style allows Shion to move at very fast speeds jumping around the enemy. In this form she is never standing still. She will use this style most of the time, because she believes it is easier to subdue an opponent rather then kill one in her mind. In this style Shion will have the zanpakuto in the primary position which is the blade pointed backwards along her arm like a night stick.

The second style is called White Dragon. White Dragon is a style that forces Shion to move around less for it Consist of moves that are slower in speed. Where it lacks speed though it has tremendously more powerful strikes then SD. This style requires more attention so Shion moves less and focuses on her enemies movements keeping her stationary for the most part. She only uses this on difficult but slow moving opponents and enemies she can't risk subduing. In this style Shions blade is pointed outwards like a regular sword.

[Bluerose]

Sample mission:
mission title: Memory nightmare

Off in a dark room not to long ago.

The only light comes from a small candle in the center of the room. There are no windows and only one door. Two people are there in different corners. One of them is cloaked in the shadows so you can't see his face the other has just entered in to the room. The second man has a clothed bundle in his arms. The length of the bundle is around 110 cm.

"Viper did you get me Shion's wedding gift I asked for?" says the shadowed man in the room.

"Yes brother father was glad that it will be in the hands of a woman again." Viper says after reveling the bundle he had on his back. Inside the bundle was a zanpakuto that was glowing blood red to reveal the jet black that was in the middle of the blade.

"Good job Viper now on to the other task. the hatcheller party!!!" say Vipers brother

Meanwhile off in some side street.

The street was almost empty now. This streets only buildings were shops and bars. Most of the shop owners were closing down and the bars were getting ready to open. Shion and her friend are here for a pre wedding party at the biggest bar on this street. Shion is dressed in a blue dress with a gold dragon on it. at her hip is a zanpakuto that was her brothers.

Shion Bluerose is walking down a side street with her friend when she sees some commotion up a head.

" What’s going on, Shion?" her friend asked

" Looks like trouble, you best go home “Shion replied. She motions for her friend to leave while she grabs the hilt of the zanpakuto.

" Ok, but remember to be at my house tomorrow before your wedding starts so we can have some tea." her friend says then heads back up the street toward the nearest bar that was open.

Shion only nods as and waves her friend goodbye for the last time that she will remember her as a friend as she heads toward the commotion. A few minutes later here’s what happened.

"You little punk!!!!! You tripped me!!!!!" Shouts a stranger in a venomous rage. The stranger was dressed in a white robe that had blood on it. As far as anyone could see he had no wounds so the blood was not his.

"You forgot to uhhhhh say hiya to me sir hmmmm hunched backed person." Shion Bluerose said, after realizing the strangers back is hunched up.

In a rage the stranger moves toward Shion and smacks her. "The Names Atori Hanzo!!! And your in my way girl!!!! Now move or die!!!"

With out a word Shion starts to draw her Zanpakuto but is stopped by the Zanpakuto of Atori. He brings his zanpakuto down on her right arm making a small slit on her. He grins as he is cutting her arm. Then pulls his sword back and licks the blood off of it. "So, you want to fight girl?" he says. "I can taste you have spirit girl. But you are a small pest compared to my power."

"The name is Shion Bluerose and it will be the last name you know!!!!!!!!" She steps back a couple paces and finishes to draw out her Zanpakuto. In disgust of having seen some person enjoy the taste of blood.

The air began to get humid as the two just stand there looking at each other zanpakuto drawn. People on the street begin to move away from them but only for enough to be out of the way. Not for behind this Atori Hanzo, Shion can see about four shinigami on the way. They were about four minutes away so Shion decides to try to hold Atori till they get hear. In her mind this must be the man causing all the fuss they heard on the street. Then the fight begins.

Atori strikes first and in a blur the two start to fight. From an outsider perspective you only see a cloud of dust where the two use to be with the flashes of sparks caused by of two swords hitting. But from the insider view you would see a one sided battle of a man throwing all his rage at a girl. Shion appears to be losing until she manages to slide her Zanpakuto through the mans defenses and make a small cut on the mans neck.

"Your good girl, but you cant keep up with me in the long run!" Atori screams with rage as he moves away from Shion. He then proceeds to releases his Zanpakuto which now has doubled in length and appears to be moving of its own accord. almost serpent like. “Mwahahaha! So you like my little baby?"

"I believe, I said before my name is Shion Bluerose!!!!! " And in a flash shion switches her fighting style over to her sacred dance style. “ Now taste my vengeance Atori! I don't want to kill you so I will subdue you!"

She starts to move so fast around slowed down Atori, that it was apparent to him that she was holding herself back so that she might just subdue him. Now the battle had changed, if it is Shion who has the vantage of speed that would pushing the slowed and powerful Atori around. Now the shinigami are only about one minute away. Maybe just maybe she might be able hold on till they get hear.

“If you swear to stop the violence I will let you live Atori! But you must talk to those shinigami that are coming.” Shion screams in between jabs and swings. “But you must stop this……”

*CRASH* A hand falls on the back of shions neck and nocks her out but not before she hears Atori say his last words to her.

"You will make a nice pet for my collection you pathetic shinigami, but you failed to realize that I" he turns his head to see the shinigami almost there, "am not one of your kind I am a......" his voice fades out to the sound of night as Shion falls asleep.

A few minutes later someone is waking up shion. " Ma'am are you ok? Ma'am can you hear me?"

"Atori I will kill you!" She screams as she wakes up. She looks around and sees that three of the four shinigami are around her. “ Wait your not Atori!?! Where did he go? Did you see him? And how long have I been out?"

The newcomer tells Shion about what he saw and what happened after the man called Atori used his Zanpakuto to distracter her from his real form which was really a hollow. He also tells her that he and three other shinigami was hunting this Atori and would not have been able to catch him, if she had not sidetracked him.

" So, your telling me that he was not one of us? But where am I? Where did I come from?” Shion questions. She sees that the fourth one was looking over the area of the battle.

“ What do you remember?” The first shinigami asks.

“ I can't remember anything except fighting Atori.” Shion replies.

“ And before that? What about your family? Friends? Anything?” Says the second one.

“……Hmmmm…..uhhhhh…..nope.” She says calmly. “ Wait……….I do remember something…my names Shion Bluerose…..Hahaaaa what no fun?”

“ Why do you say it so calmly?!? This is bad he forced a form of amnesia on you and you are just sitting there all calm like!!!!!!!!” Yells the forth shinigami that was looking over the remains of Shion’s Zanpakuto. His name is Viper

"Damn, I see that we are to late though. Well, I don’t know were you are from. But I can tell you that it might return to you. You see, what just went on was....! When he knocked you out he forced amnesia on you." Says the youngest of the shinigami standing around shion. “ But as for you, you should try to join the 13 protection squads we could use all the help we can get. Perhaps you might also find the answer you seek there. By the way your zanpakuto has strangely exploded."

The next morning, shion wakes up in the guest room of one of the shinigami that let her stay there until her memories come back. She looks around and sees its about 4 in the after noon. The room was simple yet exquisite in its own way. Unlike most rooms in the house, it was designed to look like a room from a spaghetti western movie.

" I best start looking for any evidence of where I lived. I don’t want to stay here to much longer and be a bother to this viper character that helped me." Shion says out loud. before she even noticed viper in the other room.

“ Shion, you don’t have to leave yet, your barley rested and you don’t even have your zanpakuto any more.” Says Viper from the door way.

“ I am sorry, I must go Viper. I need to see, if I can still find any clues before the streets are empty” whispers Shion.

“ Then please take this zanpakuto then. It has served my family well in our time of need and now may it protect you in yours” Viper says while unfolding the bundle in his hand to reveal a zanpakuto of blood red and jet black color in a clear diamond sheath.

Shion leaves the house and is walking toward the place were she came to yesterday to see if there is anyone there that might know her. When she arrives, she sees two people there looking around inspecting the area the fight happened yesterday. one was a tall man around mid twenties the other was a smaller man in his late forties.

" There she is sir!" Says the shorter of the two when he sees that Shion is approaching

" Wha.....yes that’s her! Shion Bluerose your father is disappointed you are late for your wedding! come with us" Says the taller of the two. He stands up and moves toward Shion with his hand held out.

" We...we…wedding? I cant get married, I don’t even know you or where I am from!?!" Shion gasp " Please, don’t tell any one you saw me. But please, were did I live?" Shion for once was startled by this news and showed emotion. Her face went pail and her eyes where ghost like. "Please I must know."

"Hmmmm, then the rumor is true then. Shion, you encountered the one called Atori. I am Sorry that I can't help you. You must find out the information your self." He says and adds as a last note just loud enough to barley be heard as whisper" Goodbye, my love" .

[anime-niac]

Note: I may not be an official mod here, but ah well.

For quick reference and not clogging up profiles with VMs I'm going to do this part here. At this moment I'm going to focus on the profile before moving on to the sample mission.

Appearance: Her hair is black and comes down to just above the knees but is kept in a bun, slimmed figured but with a muscular tone, height 5' 9", wears black robes, dresses that very in length and swim suits depending on mood, constantly trips any one that run past her without out saying hiya, she has a nervous twitch that she does if any one taller is around and they look at her and that is that her eyebrows start to tremble.

Quite a run-on sentence you've got here, which is grammatically incorrect. You should spread the details out more, and know where to end your sentence. Overall, it's just hard to read your run-ons. As for her quirks those are more suited to go in her personality.

Personality: She handles most situations with the same approach that is a mellow approach, she tends to like and trust people, even the bad guys,(some times to much) but she shows it by making fun of the person so they mostly take it the wrong way. She tends to get picked on for her constant use of “Hiya”, “Hmmmm” and “uhhhhh” that make up most of her grammar

The beginning sentence should be reworded. You don't need to say "with the same approach." Simply saying, "She handles most situations with a mellow approach" is fine enough, and even then you should elaborate more on how she is mellow in this sense. Start the next part (about her trust tendency) in a new sentence. Perhaps something like, "Shion tends to like and trust the people she meets, even the people who are known to be villains." You're running on again here, and the aside you made there shouldn't simply be an aside. Talk about her trusting people too much in another sentence, then follow up with her behavior towards other, covering speech habits and her dialogue.

Biography: She is currently confused and unable to remember where she came from or what she lived like all she knows is that she was going to get married the day after she lost her memories. She woke up one day, and she was standing behind some shinigami that just saved her from some hollows and now she seeks to become one so that she may one day save some one like her, a person who was about to get married the next day and now cant even remember who or where.

An interesting biography, and there aren't that many errors to boot. Your first sentence should be "how she lived" and start a new sentence there. "Knew," not "knows." It's kinda bothering me, for some reason, like there's something missing. After "hollows" start a new sentence.

Zanpakuto appearance:100cm in length (includes hilt) the hilt is a blood red color with a blue rose engraved in to it. the guard is a jet black that fades to red as it twist down the hilt to form a cup around where one holds it at. the hilts length is 20cm (1/5 of total length). The hilt comes out of the base of the sword in the shape of a L so that when wielded the blade will go back up the users arm but can also be turned around so that the wielder can use it in two ways. first way to hold it is to have the blade along the arm. the other is to have the blade outwards like a regular sword. The blade is a simple katana blade that is 2 colors the center is jet black that fade in to the rims blood red color. The sheath is made of the clearest diamonds so that one can see the blades true colors.

First, it's preferable that there be an accurate measurement of how long the blade itself is, rather than making us do some calculations.. The first sentence, if you choose to keep it, should be, "The weapon is 100cm in length from the tip of the blade to the pommel." Yes, start a new sentence from there. In your description of the hilt you are redundant in the mentioning of the two possible positions. You want to fix the grammer there to. Overall, nice sealed state.

fighting style:

Shion has two main fighting styles she uses. the first one is called Sacred Darvish or SD for short. SD is a very fast style that uses light strikes that look like a dance with a slender sword performing a sacred ritual dance. This fighting style allows Shion to move at very fast speeds jumping around the enemy so that she is never standing still. She will use this style most of the time because it is easier to use to subdue an opponent rather then kill one in her mind. in this style Shion will have the zanpakuto in the primary position which is the blade pointed backwards along her arm. The second style is called White Dagon. White Dragon is a style that forces Shion to move around less for it Consist of moves that are slower in speed. Were it lakes speed though it has tremendously more powerful strikes then SD. This style requires more attention so Shion moves less and focuses on her enemies movements keeping her stationary for the most part. she only uses this on difficult but slow moving opponents and enemies she can't risk subduing. In this style Shions blade is pointed outwards like a regular sword. Its like giving a gorilla a sword and poking at it with stick to see what it does.

Once again you're not capitlizing where you should be. I like the descriptions of the fighting styles, though. However, when you talk about her finding it easier to subdue rather than kill...that sentence should be reworded. Rather than saying "allows her to move at very fast speeds" you should say "she utilizes," because it sounds as it you're gaining abilities where you shouldn't. I'm also confused about the way she's supposed to be holding her sword in that stance.

For the White Dragon style I see some errors. "Where" instead of "Were" and "lacks" instead of "lakes." There aren't any errors besides those that I can see, and what does the last bit of that mean?

You should make this two paragraphs, the first talking about her Sacred Darvish style and the other about her White Dragon style, to make things look cleaner.

[anime-niac]

Appearance: Her hair is black and comes down to just above the knees but is kept in a bun. She has a slim figure that is complimented with muscular tone. Her height is 5' 9" without shoes. She wears black robes, dresses that very in length and swim suits depending on her mood.

Much better. The first sentence is a run-on. Try "Her hair is black and comes down to just above the knees, but she usually keeps her hair up in a bun." In the last, it should be "vary" not "very," and a comma should be added after "swimsuits."

Looking at this, the description is, in a way, skimpy, and more details could be added to her in order to really make her appearance stand out. You can talk about her skin color, the magnitude of her muscular tone, as well as changes she may have made to her shihakushou (shinigami robes), if any. You could mention her weight, demeanor (how she would generally appear to people like facial expression and posture wise), and any other physical qualities that you think should be worth mentioning.

Personality: She handles situations with a mellow approach. In other words she never will show any emotions in her speech or facial appearance when in a tough spot. She tends to like and trust all people, even the villians. She shows her trust by making fun of the person she trust. Unfortunately, they tend to take it the wrong way. She tends to get picked on for her constant use of “Hiya”, “Hmmmm” and “uhhhhh” that make up most of her grammar. She constantly trips any one that run past her without out saying hiya. She has a nervous twitch that she does, if any one taller is around and they look at her and that is that her eyebrows start to tremble.

We're definitely getting there. A comma seems appropriate after "words" at the beginning of your second sentence. Try "trusts" instead of "trust" at the end of fourth sentence.

Biography: On the subject of how she lived she is unable to remember anything about that. The reason for this is a forced amniesa, that was inflicted on her. She is currently confused and unable to remember where she came from or what she lived like all she knows is that she was going to get married, the day after she lost her memories. She woke up one day, and she was standing behind some shinigami that just saved her from some hollows. Now, she seeks to become one so that she may one day save some one like her, a person who was about to get married the next day and now cant even remember who or where.

The comma after amnesia is unnecessary. The third sentence ("She is currently confused...") should end at "what she lived." Instead of "what she lived" it should be "how she lived." Don't forget to capitalize "all" when you start the new sentence. There should be an "and" after the comma in "going to get married, the day after..." Watch out for small grammatical errors like "cant" instead of "can't."

Zanpakuto appearance: The tatal length is 100cm from the tip of the blade to the base of the hilt. When one looks at this zanpakuto it would have the same shape as a night stick that cops carry. The hilt is a blood red color with a blue rose engraved in to it. The guard is a jet black that fades to red as it goes out 20cm then conects to the base of the hilt. The hilts length is 20cm (1/5 of total length). The guard can also double as another hilt so one can wield it like a regular sword. The hilt comes out of the base of the sword in the shape of a L, so that when wielded the blade will go back up the users arm. With the hilt and guard place the way they are, the wielder can use it in two ways. The first way is to hold it is to have the blade along the arm, like a night stick. The other is to have the blade outwards like a regular sword. The blade is a simple katana blade that is 2 colors the center is jet black that fade in to the rims blood red color. The sheath is made of the clearest diamonds so that one can see the blades true colors.

"Total," not "tatal." "Connects," not "conects." I think you mixed up "hilt" with guard here:The hilt comes out of the base of the sword in the shape of a L, so that when wielded the blade will go back up the users arm."Placed" instead of "place."The first way is to hold it is to have the blade along the arm, like a night stick.In the above the way the sentence started does not make much sense. You don't need the first "is," and the comma between "arm" and "night stick" is unneeded. However, there should be a semicolon after "2 color"

fighting style:

Shion has two main fighting styles she uses. The first one is called Sacred Darvish or SD for short. SD is a very fast style that uses light strikes that look like a dance with a slender sword performing a sacred ritual dance. This fighting style allows Shion to move at very fast speeds jumping around the enemy. This make it to where she is never standing still. She will use this style most of the time, because it is easier to use to subdue an opponent rather then kill one in her mind. In this style Shion will have the zanpakuto in the primary position which is the blade pointed backwards along her arm like a night stick.

The second style is called White Dagon. White Dragon is a style that forces Shion to move around less for it Consist of moves that are slower in speed. Where it lacks speed though it has tremendously more powerful strikes then SD. This style requires more attention so Shion moves less and focuses on her enemies movements keeping her stationary for the most part. she only uses this on difficult but slow moving opponents and enemies she can't risk subduing. In this style Shions blade is pointed outwards like a regular sword.

This make it to where she is never standing still.Try "In this form she is never standing still." Do not be confused, since the use of form here refers to katas, or position sequences.because it is easier to use to subdue an opponent rather then kill one in her mind.Try "because she believes it is easier to subdue an opponent rather than kill one."

The first "Dragon" is misspelled. Also, watch out for you capitalization. You missed one here.

Overall, it is looking much better than before. I want to get the profile portion of your application with as less errors as possible before moving on to the sample mission commentary.

==================================

Since there's no need to double post, I'm going to start commenting on your sample.

Here's the number one problem: Lack Of Details

I look at this, and it's pretty bare. You the important parts down, but to really make your story come alive (and rake in more ZG) by adding more details to your story it'll be easier to visualize what's going on.

[anime-niac]

Really looking good. I think it's about ready.

Just a helpful hint, when you start writing full blown missions for the BARPG be sure to keep in mind that, when you post, you don't have the luxury of being able to edit your posts past the 15 minute mark. If you have programs like Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, or similar programs, then try using those to check for errors. Even after that try proofreading it yourself to see if you can catch any errors.

The main points I want to stress on for any of your future works that you have minor problems with are those few grammatical errors and the need for details. Keep those in mind, improve your writing ability, and you should be OK ;)