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[Application] Amos Fulrey <13th Division> - BleachAnime.org Forums

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urbancohort
06-23-2009, 07:29 AM
Name Amos Fulrey

Gender: Male

Age: 40, age at death, 20

Appearance
About 5’ 11”, he is in good condition and well-muscled - he is built for speed and endurance, however, not overwhelming strength, though he has plenty of that too. He has short hair that is black except at the back edge, where it is white, and also over a scar that runs an inch into his hair and over his right eye, down to his nose. The cut that made the scar did not take his sight, but Amos still wears a thin cloth over his eye. This is to deceive opponents – they believe he is blind on the right, but in fact he can see perfectly fine. The scar cause the color to drain out of his right-eye though - while his left eye is a medium, smooth brown, his right eye is a pale greyish-blue. Amos can be described as clean, but unkempt. His messy hair, scar and covered eye makes him look more like a fierce, serious outlaw than a member of a peace-keeping organization. Those who see him a lot eventually come to view him as dangerous and competent-looking – which he is.

Personality
Amos is pretty laid back. He seems withdrawn and reserved, but is actually friendly to talk to. He looks collected, but in fact is more often impulsive than thorough. None who know him would say that he is stupid though - behind his impulsiveness is a modestly intelligent yet highly perceptive mind.

He is easily provoked by insults, though it takes a lot of effort to push him to strike out at his offenders. He is often a jerk when angered, but mostly only to people who have earned it. While not an alcoholic, he enjoys drinking in good company. He has a very satirical mind – not quite sarcastic. He enjoys making gentle, harmless fun of almost anything, be they people, object, or situations. However, if he offends, he will immediately apologize for it.

His style of speech, while not informal, is not overly polite. The less respect he has for a person or an idea, the more formally he will talk. He is equally casual with people he thinks highly of.

He is sometimes deliberately foolish, because he loves having fun, but is also shrewd. In addition to listen to conversation, he also reads body language, believing that it is a much better indicator of one's intentions. Often he will start doing what is asked of him without saying anything, even a confirmation. It is often more informative to watch his eyebrows than to listen to him speak – he utilizes his eyebrows heavily when communicating with others, and often reveal his line of thought even when he doesn’t speak.

He believes that the best way to fight is to quickly cut down one’s enemy, though he understands the importance of feeling them out when necessary. He is ruthless while in combat, up until the enemy is dead or is fleeing the fight. He is also not above pulling back to regroup, but will never fully retreat unless ordered. If there is a fight he cannot win, he will fall back gradually while still fighting and await reinforcements. If none are available, he will attempt to take his enemy with him to the afterlife.

His motto is “Take care of your own.” He follows this absolutely, and will save a stranded comrade even if it costs more to save them than it would to leave them be. Even if it is against his orders he will go to save his comrades - it often crosses his mind that Soul Society is quick to forget those that served it faithfully.

Regardless, he is a loyal soldier - not always dependable but always sincere - and believes Soul Society to be, ultimately, a 'good' organization.

Biography
Amos comes from the 57th district of Rukongai. He never learned the name of it, and didn’t care enough to learn it, but refers to himself as a “57-er”. While life was hard, it was also manageable. Because there is very little Shinigami presence that far out, people relied on mutual respect to keep peace, and that generally translated to fighting ability. Often emotions would boil over and fights would ensue. Amos rarely allows his anger control him, but the few times he started fights, they were over quickly and could only be described as brutal. It was recommended that he join the Shinigami after one saw him fight – in an act of self-defense, Amos broke his opponent’s arm in two places, unarmed.

Amos often found himself filling the undesirable position of “defender of the weak”. He would never attack a woman, and under no circumstances strike or allow a child to be hit while he could do anything about it. However, he had no qualms over punching a lady if they were seriously intent on injuring him. He was often the first to respond to emergencies, generally fires.

His sense of humor was misplaced in the 57th district. Often people would want to fight him because of his jokes, but they quickly learned to let them pass – either because they realized he meant to harm by them, or because his fists taught them to keep quiet.

Division
13th Division, Swift Execution Unit

Zanpakto
It is a kodachi, the blade being 53cm and the grip at 23cm, for a total of 76cm. He wears it hanging behind him from his waist, with the hilt on the right. It hangs from his belt from a leather cord, almost vertical but at just enough of an angle that it doesn’t trip up his legs while he is walking or fighting. It hangs loosely so he can use it for drawing attacks, though not often. As a kodachi, it isn't as practical to use such attacks as it would if it were a full katana. The tsuba is shaped like a 4-pointed throwing star, and has a light-grey grip. The grip is the same length that it would be if it were on a standard katana. He draws it simply by reaching his right hand back and pulling.

As the kodachi is a defensive weapon, Amos' tactics revolve around quickly outstripping his comrades and fighting toe-to-toe with the enemy, pinning them down in one spot until reinforcements come. His style revolves around his ability to adjust the tempo of a fight - and failing that, he will attempt to out maneuver his opponent. He is also capable of standing and fighting if necessary - he was originally going to apply for the 11th Division, the Heavy Arms division, but he ultimately felt his speed would be wasted there.

While fighting, he prefers striking and movement, but also makes heavy use of joint-locks and throws. When this isn't an option, he utilizes his feet to trip his opponent. His legs pack a hard kick, and he focuses on low kicks to keep his enemies from getting a good footing. He is capable of more powerful high-kicks, but generally doesn't use those moves as they leave him open. His style can be described as 'cool' in a practical, no-frills sort of way.

anime-niac
06-23-2009, 10:04 PM
Hello, urban, and welcome to the BARPG. Looking through your application I noticed a couple of things that should be fixed before your submit your final.

First, you're missing your zanpakuto field. Even you aren't allowed to have anything higher than sealed state, as you enter the BARPG as a new recruit with 0 stats, you should at least fill out how your zanpakuto looks and how you wield it. Please also keep in mind the division you are applying to, as the division's role important to how one will fight.

Secondly, your application seems to lack detail. While this may seem complete too you, the lack of detail and expansion makes your character seem bland. If you expand on the points you've made in his appearance and biography it will make him stand out. If you can't, then how about some minor perks and quirks?

Lastly, you need to fix your sample mission. For now I'm just doing a brief lookthrough, but right there is a big error that you should fix: not paragraphing. By not paragraphing your work your story seems bunched up and hard to read. You'll need both your skills as a writer and as a roleplayer for this RPG, so for the benefit of everyone please paragraph.

urbancohort
06-24-2009, 02:32 AM
No...I paragraphed it. I'll go over it again and make it so you don't have to work to find them though.

Also, I did indeed forget my zanpakto field, but it timed me out...I made the initial mistake of filling out everything in the reply thing and it timed me out without saving my work. I was a little impatient to finish it the second time. I'll fix it now. Or rather, I'll try to fix the errors. Thanks much for the input.

anime-niac
06-24-2009, 02:57 AM
Amos awoke on the floor of his “family” house in the 57th distract of Rukongai. He felt his lower back cracking as he stretched…pop pop pop. He winced a little, the same way he did every day. Today would hopefully be the last day though.
Getting up, Amos patted his hair down-generally down at least. He’d honestly attempted to keep it presentable, but his hair had proven to be a wilier and more stubborn enemy than he was willing to face…Damn you, hair, he thought as he tied the strip of cloth over his eye.
After eating breakfast with the others in his household (he was the only one that actually ate), he made his goodbyes quickly and left. He didn’t like getting hung-up over sentimental things like goodbyes. Still, even if life had been hard – Harder than I like, certainly – it had been good. He felt he’d miss there.
Shaking his head, he told himself he had a long way to go. There were 56 districts to walk through, and some of them were even slightly more dangerous than the one he was leaving. Focus! He’d need both of his eyes open if he wanted to make it to the Gates untouched. Of course, it was only an hour later – 5 districts later – that he was bumped into and sent stumbling into a stall on the side of the road.
He stumbled into the support heavily, taking out the stall and the man behind it as well. Apologizing profusely, Amos offered to help reassemble the broken stall. The merchant was in no mood though. Apparently a local landlord as well as a merchant, he hired his tenants out to bodyguard for him. Amos was chased across 2 districts before he got a chance to use his Secret Technique.
Amos turned a corner, concentrated and flash. He was miles away before his pursuers turned the corner. He’d lost his pursuers. He meant to continue onwards, but a sudden grumbling in his stomache, as well as a fierce ache in his legs, reminded him how big a toll his technique took on his body.
Amos was fortunate though, as he found a vendor that sold actual food in short order, and rested as he ate. Damn merchants, always so full of themselves… It also occurred to him that the man probably didn’t have enough money to pay his men to chase a man across several districts. In fact, Amos had likely led them further from their home since before they’d come to Soul Society.
He started for Seireitei once again in better spirits, and actually made it by late-noon with no further incidents. However…
Amos felt his jaw drop as he stared at the gates to Seireitei. How could anything be so huge? They looked as though they were saying, “Go now. You are not worthy, nor are you welcome, to set foot in this place.”
Turning to leave, and more than a little intimidated, he noticed movement out of the corner of his left eye. Next instant, two swords were pointed at him. “You, please come with us.” said the Shinigami.
“what? Why?” Amos asked in alarm.
“You’ve been staring at the gate for almost an hour now. Don’t you think that’s a little suspicious? You’re coming with us.”
Amos followed them in, very concerned. They walked for about 15 minutes, into a room and there they demanded answers from him – who he worked for, what were they planning. As Amos repeatedly said he had no agenda, he began threatening torture as well.
“I didn’t do anything wrong!” Amos finally yelled in frustration. What madness had come over him that he’d decided to walk all the way here? What kind of cruel fate would lead him most of the way across Rukongai only to be arrested, brought in for questioning, and threatened by torture by the very group he’d been considering joining?
One of the Shinigami was reading a piece of paper that had just come in. Looking up from it, he said, “Well, it seems you’ve been honest with us. However, according to this paper I have here, you are accused of the malicious destruction of property in District 52. It seems we’ll have to throw you in jail until you can work off the debt you owe the man.”
Amos stared in horror. He didn’t notice the man who walked into the room until…WHAM! the newcomer punched him in the face hard enough to topple him out of the chair. “What the hell?!” he snarled as he got back up, ready to fight and at the end of his patience.
Seeing who it was, Amos stopped. Looking at him with a smirk was his best friend from district 57. “I see you’ve come to join up finally,” was all he said as he turned to leave. The two Shinigami started laughing, rolling on the ground.
Amos wasn’t amused in the least. “Wait!” he called, catching his friend by the shoulder. As he turned, Amos buried his fist into his stomach. “I’m going to get you back for today,” he snarled. Well, he thought to himself, now I have a reason to join the Shinigami at least.

This is not paragraphing. Paragraphing is putting one line of space between paragraphs, since "tabs" doesn't work here.

Amos awoke on the floor of his “family” house in the 57th distract of Rukongai. He felt his lower back cracking as he stretched…pop pop pop. He winced a little, the same way he did every day. Today would hopefully be the last day though.

Getting up, Amos patted his hair down-generally down at least. He’d honestly attempted to keep it presentable, but his hair had proven to be a wilier and more stubborn enemy than he was willing to face…Damn you, hair, he thought as he tied the strip of cloth over his eye

This is how it would look when you paragraph your sample. I cant really read through and find any grammatical errors with it all bunched up. Take your time and start it in a word processor first, so that you can catch some of your own errors before we do. There's no need for impatience; we're not going anywhere.

urbancohort
06-24-2009, 03:01 AM
I edited it but I'm not done with it yet...I'm taking your advice and bringing it over to a word processor for polishing, I'll be back with it later.
----------
Finished my editting...it's likely not quite ready, but I believe it's a lot closer than it was before.
----------
Sample - 56 Districts to Prison
Amos awoke on the floor of his “family” house in the 57th distract of Rukongai. He felt his lower back cracking as he stretched…pop pop pop. He winced a little, the same way he did every day. Today would hopefully be the last day though.
Getting up, Amos patted his hair down-generally down at least. He’d honestly attempted to keep it presentable, but his hair had proven to be a wilier and more stubborn enemy than he was willing to face…Damn you, hair, he thought as he tied the strip of cloth over his eye.

After eating breakfast with the others in his household (he was the only one that actually ate), he made his goodbyes quickly and left. He didn’t like getting hung-up over sentimental things like goodbyes. Still, even if life had been hard – Harder than I like, certainly – it had been good. He felt he’d miss there.
Shaking his head, he told himself he had a long way to go. There were 56 districts to walk through, and some of them were even slightly more dangerous than the one he was leaving. Focus! He’d need both of his eyes open if he wanted to make it to the Gates untouched. Of course, it was only an hour later – 5 districts later – that he was bumped into and sent stumbling into a stall on the side of the road.

He stumbled into the support heavily, taking out the stall and the man behind it as well. Apologizing profusely, Amos offered to help reassemble the broken stall. The merchant was in no mood though. Apparently a local landlord as well as a merchant, he hired his tenants out to bodyguard for him. Amos was chased across 2 districts before he got a chance to use his Secret Technique.

Amos turned a corner, concentrated and flash. He was miles away before his pursuers turned the corner. He’d lost his pursuers. He meant to continue onwards, but a sudden grumbling in his stomache, as well as a fierce ache in his legs, reminded him how big a toll his technique took on his body.
Amos was fortunate though, as he found a vendor that sold actual food in short order, and rested as he ate. Damn merchants, always so full of themselves… It also occurred to him that the man probably didn’t have enough money to pay his men to chase a man across several districts. In fact, Amos had likely led them further from their home since before they’d come to Soul Society.

He started for Seireitei once again in better spirits, and actually made it by late-noon with no further incidents. However…

Amos felt his jaw drop as he stared at the gates to Seireitei. How could anything be so huge? They looked as though they were saying, “Go now. You are not worthy, nor are you welcome, to set foot in this place.”

Turning to leave, and more than a little intimidated, he noticed movement out of the corner of his left eye. Next instant, two swords were pointed at him. “You, please come with us.” said the Shinigami.

“what? Why?” Amos asked in alarm.

“You’ve been staring at the gate for almost an hour now. Don’t you think that’s a little suspicious? You’re coming with us.”

Amos followed them in, very concerned. They walked for about 15 minutes, into a room and there they demanded answers from him – who he worked for, what were they planning. As Amos repeatedly said he had no agenda, he began threatening torture as well.

“I didn’t do anything wrong!” Amos finally yelled in frustration. What madness had come over him that he’d decided to walk all the way here? What kind of cruel fate would lead him most of the way across Rukongai only to be arrested, brought in for questioning, and threatened by torture by the very group he’d been
considering joining?

One of the Shinigami was reading a piece of paper that had just come in. Looking up from it, he said, “Well, it seems you’ve been honest with us. However, according to this paper I have here, you are accused of the malicious destruction of property in District 52. It seems we’ll have to throw you in jail until you can work off the debt you owe the man.”

Amos stared in horror. He didn’t notice the man who walked into the room until…WHAM! the newcomer punched him in the face hard enough to topple him out of the chair. “What the hell?!” he snarled as he got back up, ready to fight and at the end of his patience.

Seeing who it was, Amos stopped. Looking at him with a smirk was his best friend from district 57. “I see you’ve come to join up finally,” was all he said as he turned to leave. The two Shinigami started laughing, rolling on the ground.

Amos wasn’t amused in the least. “Wait!” he called, catching his friend by the shoulder. As he turned, Amos buried his fist into his stomach. “I’m going to get you back for today,” he snarled. Well, he thought to himself, now I have a reason to join the Shinigami at least.

anime-niac
06-24-2009, 07:02 AM
Looks much better now. However, I'd like to address a few more problems. Under personality there's no need to use lists, even if you're just using hyphens. Please merge these together, and space out paragraphs as necessary.

Second, please don't use parentheses like this. It'll look even better since it disrupts the flow and makes your work look cleaner. While on this note, do NOT under any circumstance make comparisons to characters that exist in the current bleach anime and manga. This is a huge and absolute taboo, so please keep this in mind.

Continuing on with your zanpakuto, you only need to describe your sealed state's appearance. At this point you know nothing of your zanpakuto, from name, abilities, releases, elemental affinities, and so forth. Please also space out your paragraphs here, as well.

urbancohort
06-24-2009, 07:23 AM
Looks much better now. However, I'd like to address a few more problems. Under personality there's no need to use lists, even if you're just using hyphens. Please merge these together, and space out paragraphs as necessary.

Second, please don't use parentheses like this. It'll look even better since it disrupts the flow and makes your work look cleaner. While on this note, do NOT under any circumstance make comparisons to characters that exist in the current bleach anime and manga. This is a huge and absolute taboo, so please keep this in mind.

Continuing on with your zanpakuto, you only need to describe your sealed state's appearance. At this point you know nothing of your zanpakuto, from name, abilities, releases, elemental affinities, and so forth. Please also space out your paragraphs here, as well.

I think I eliminated any references to references to any real Bleach characters...I know I had one the cited Matsumoto Rangiku, but I caught it and deleted it.

I also like parenthesis, but if you suggest removing them then I'll go back and edit it again.

And about my zanpakto - one's *style* of fighting isn't part of it, so I'll just leave that in there for now...

However, deleting this information is a lot looking pooping one's pants...you can clean it up, but the fact remains that you've already done it.

I like that analogy...

anime-niac
06-24-2009, 09:56 PM
Please remove the tanto portion of your zanpakuto. This field is only for describing your sealed state and basics of your fighting style. You can add this in at a later time after you have the item approved, but for now please remove it. As for the style portion I should have rephrased that better, since it seemed to have confused you. Like I said, this is only to describe your sealed state's appearance and basic fighting style. Other than that all other information is unnecessary.

I forgot to also ask that you describe the dimensions of your zanpakuto, rather than simple comarisons to similar weapons. Sorry, but rules are rules. :p

Lastly, while your application has improved, you still missed a few paragraphing and spelling errors here and there. While this will not hinder you in terms of acceptance, when taking part in the barpg you'll be graded on your spelling and grammar. Watching out for these small mistakes will save you quite a bit of trouble and increase your score ^^

urbancohort
06-25-2009, 01:24 AM
I'll move the tanto into the appearance section. As I said, it's not a zanpakto...but I think it's at least worth mentioning.

anime-niac
06-25-2009, 03:17 AM
Although it's not a zanpakuto it's an additional item. You can equip it later when you have your item approved, but for now please remove it. Although you've stated it over and over again there are rules to follow. At this point in time you cannot have it.

urbancohort
06-25-2009, 04:49 AM
:glare:

These rules are beginning to sound like they were made to restrain rather than facilitate...

I appreciate the help you're giving me though.

anime-niac
06-25-2009, 07:06 AM
The application was meant to be the bare bones of your character, no extra equipment. That includes the tanto. We want you to flush out as much of your character as possible, but please understand that we have an item system in place, and by adding in the tanto portion it seems like you're declaring that it's a necessity that overrides the existing item system. To prevent this confusion for the present (and to show that I'm doing my job right) I had to ask you to remove it. Not to worry; once you get your item approved you can equip it and add that detail to your fighting style, but at this point in time it's not allowed.

urbancohort
06-25-2009, 11:34 PM
...the line separating 'bare-bones' and 'unnecessary' is blurry indeed :/

'tis a slippery slope...

anime-niac
07-06-2009, 09:26 PM
Just checking in. Are you satisfied with your work? If you need more commentary I'll be happy to provide it, but if you think you're ready then go ahead with final submissions.

urbancohort
07-07-2009, 02:20 AM
Yeah, I'm just taking a step back for now. My access to a computer is being strangled slightly, so I'm waiting on a better time to submit.