[Application] Thouro Tategami <11th Division>

[Thorunn]

Name: Thouro Tategami

Gender: Male

Age: At death: 15
Soul Society: 30

Appearance:
Thouro is 6'00'' tall. He is a man who was born for battle. His body is well worked out, but he not looks too big. His muscles are though from top to the toe. Everyone can find out that this Shinigami isn't the best at acrobatic moves, but he stands like a bastion. He usually wears light clothing because he doesn't like to be protected by any kind of armor just by himself. His eyes are brown. He has a long, straight, shoulder-length hair and it is rounded up. His face is longish.
When you see a part of his body under the clothes you can see a whole bunch of scars on his entire body.

Personality:
Thouro isn't a complicated person at all. He loves to fight and that's all. He is calm most of the time and don't have a lot of friends. He always says when someone asks him about this: “How many of your friends there is harm to look at that essence that who”. He is not a person of emotions there's no soul in Soul Society who could ever see him smile. He finds his life for the fight and lives just like that. He doesn't like to spend his time for the weaklings. The truth is that he doesn't want to discourages them. He is calm all the time and fights like that. He is a man of honor. When he asks for something he never forgets to pay for the favour. In peacetime Thouro likes to enjoy it and spend his time with sitting under a tree and just doing nothing. You could say that he is boring, but you just have to get to know him. And it's not hard because he likes to talk with someone when he has time for it. Besides these things Thouro doesn't like to hurry, he doesn't want to miss anything that makes the world more fair.

Biography:
When Thouro found himself in Rokungai it was scary and too big to live there alone. But thanks to a Shinigami of Seiretei a family received him. Unfortunately that family lived in the 80th district of Western Rokungai what isn't the best place for a newly arrived young soul. This family wasn't rich at all, so they had to work hard day by day.

After a half year, Thouro has learned that he cannot survive here because of the bandit activities, but he could do anything at the moment. After that six months he was walking on the streets and watched the necessity of the people. He wanted to make this place better to make it safer. And his time has come.

A group of bad guys was have started to chase a defenceless soul to steal all of her goods. So Thouro hasn't had a chance, he decided that this is the time to start to help these people. He just grabbed her bag started to run with it. It's not the best thing to help someone out, but his plan was that he will give it back later, after he throws off his pursuers. But after a few minutes Thouro found himself in the middle of a deep forest. The bandits caught him and they have started to have revenge buy kicking him into death. But an unknown man have come and fought the bandits.

That man took Thouro to his home in the forest and asked him the tell his story. After that the man offered him his help to learn how to fight with a sword. During his training Thouro had just a shinai to practice besides his own hands and body. The training was boring in the first 5 years, he had just trees for enemies. After that 5 years his teacher started to go with him to Rokungai to fight the bandits there. They spent their days with this all the time. When they couldn't find a good enemy who is though enough Thouro's teacher said that he should go to Seiretei and join the 13 Protection Squads and continue his work there. Before Thouro moved out he turned back for a moment.

”What is it?” Asked his teacher

”Just tell me your name.”

“Hanaro Anatara, once a member of the 13 Protection Squads.”

“Good to know it.”

This was the last dialogue of them.

Division applying to:
11thDivision

Zanpakuto appearance:
His Zanpakuto is a katana with a 36 inch long blade made of hard steel. The handle is 15 inch long and it is covered with black silk wrap. The guard is rounded and it is also black, and it's radius is about 4 inch long. On the blade a jumping male lion is graven on both sides just after the blade collar. The blade is not too sharp, but it's strong enough to break the bones of the enemy. Of course it can make injures with cuting moves, but that's not the main point. The whole sword made to be unbreakable just as the wielder himself.
Thouro has an exciting fighting style. He likes to move into the enemy's inner circle by clearing the way with his Zanpakuto and then he uses close combat techniques to finish the fight. Because of this he has to learn Zanjutsu and Hakuda techniques as well and a bit of Hohou. Thanks to this he doesn't have much time to work on Kidou techniques.

[anime-niac]

Welcome, Thoruun, to the BARPG.

First and foremost, I must say that your spelling and grammar has been good so far. I've found a few minor errors, but my main concern here is that, like many others, you use the same sentence structure over and over again. Doing so makes your work appear boring. While it isn't so much important in your profile, if you do so in your missions your grader will be put off a bit.

Another major concern here is that you use parentheses too much. While I do not mean to question your style, parentheses will hold you back quite a bit. If you elaborate normally on these details rather than rely on the parentheses you will find that your work will have more meat, so to speak, in terms of detail and word count. Graders like detail and a higher word count is good.

Once again, watch out for those small errors, ditch those parentheses, and give us more detail. We like detail; just don't give too much detail that you lose the whole point of the work.

[Thorunn]

Sample mission:

On an average day Thouro and Hanaro have left the forest to go to a market nearby in the 80th district. They've arrived early in the morning. Thouro didn't know his teacher's name yet and because they were alone in the forest most of the time it wasn't a big problem. Their plan was to spend their whole day there. They were just walking around and watched the merchants goods of all kind. It seamed it will be another peaceful day. The temperature was high, but thanks for a cool wind the weather was really affable. Their main plan wasn't that they just spend all the day with walking and doing nothing, they had their own reason to come here. The cause was to get some real enemy for Thouro to fight instead of trees.

“It seems on a day like this the bad guys like to stay at home...” Complained Thoruo during the walk.

“Then we have to make them come out.” Said his teacher.

In spite of the fact that they didn't have a weapon just a shinai they were searching for a good fight assertively. They've spent a half day like this, they've checked all the inns, all kinds of places where anybody can find some roughhouse, even he doesn't want to.

The sun have started to set down when they've found the last tavern and the most dangerous one. They've decided to stay there and they rest for a while before they return home.

They've spent about an hour without any exiting thing happened. But after an hour three strange man has come in who weren't sympathetic to Thouro at the first view, hence he decided to keep an eye on them. First they're just joking each other a bit loud, but later they've started to tease other people, it seamed they want to provoke a little fight. Hanaro were just sitting next to his young follower, it seamed he doesn't want to do anything. By the time a smile has appeared on Thouro's face.

“What are you waiting for?” Asked Hanaro.

When he has just finished the question the fight have started, what the three bandits wanted.

“This.” Answered Thoruo and sprang up already from the ground.

First he has pushed away the first victim of the three strangers and he has stepped between them to offer himself for the fight.

“If you want to fight, then come and try it with me, at least you can get some challenge.”

“You? Oh come on you're just alone against us, we smash you into bits before you get any help.”

“You're right you have two plus on your side.” Thouro went back to Hanaro and picked up is shinai.

“Now we're equal chances.” Said Thouro and he assumed a deeper starting position.

The loudest one started the fight to teach a lesson for the pipsqueak. Thouro waited until he could reach his enemy with his sword, he doesn't moved before that. Then, when he has arrived close enough, Thouro smashed his hands first, after that his chest with moving sidelong. Because of this his enemy has checked, thanks to this Thouro could attack him again, this time on his back whereby he has fallen down.

“This is all you got? I hoped we will have more fun, but you are annoying...” Marked Thouro apathetically.

But now the remaining guys have joined the fight. One of them just tried to punch him, but Thouro could avoid it. The third attacker grabbed a chair and stroke him aiming his head. Luckily Thouro could defend it with his shinai, but he fell down. The other one, who tried to punch him now wanted to get into a wrestling, but Thouro could stop him with his leg and he threw him with a backward tumble. He could stand up to handle the fight again. He was holding his shinai in his right hand and his smile was getting bigger by the time what was the sign that he has found good enemies.

“Don't you want to help him?” Asked an old man Hanaro who were just sitting without the signs of any intention of aiding Thouro.

“No, no way.” Said, what was a really strange answer.

“Look at him, he enjoys the fight. To tell the truth this is the only thing what can make him glad. Do you want to get this joy from him?” Hanaro has started to explain it, when he saw that the man can't understand his first answer.

The first bandit tried to stand to have revenge on Thouro for his first move. But the young fighter noticed him. He bent down and caught his head with his left hand.

“Are you in a hurry? I haven't finished with your friends.” Thouro has hammered his head into the floor what made the poor man to faint.

During this one of them kicked him at his shoulder whereby Thouro has lost his balance and fell down. The third guy grabbed him from behind to prevent him to attack. Thouro has been kicked once at his head and once at his chest. Since he couldn't use his shinai he had to find out some other way to beat them. He never was a man who likes to make things complex, hence he just attacked the one who grabbed him with his head who released him. While the one who has started to kick him again Thouro grabbed his sword stabbed him at his stomach. Although the shinai don't have dangerous point it can make great suffering. After this action the third attacker has fallen down holding his stomach because of the pain.

Whereby the three bandits thought they can't get rid of this, they ran out from the tavern.

“I hoped we will have more fun.” Said Thouro to Hanaro.

“Nothing is enough for you...” Answered Hanaro who was still sitting on the floor.

“It doesn't matter, it's getting late.” Noticed Thouro, he shrugged and left the inn to go home. Hanaro stood up and started to run to overhaul Thouro. During the way home they haven't spoken about anything.


Greetings!
Thanks for answering my application. I've added some details, and eliminated most of the parentheses. I've realised just now that I used so much thanks. Because ot the details I had to cut my Sample Mission to a new reply.

[anime-niac]

Take as much space as you need, and this just shows that your writing is improving.

Once again, watch out for your spelling grammar, especially your use of parentheses (you missed one in your sample). Run through your application and sample a couple more times before you submit to make sure that you've fixed as many as you can find.

My last concern, while not especially important, is the specified dimensions of your zanpakuto. Are fine with these measurements? And can your character wield it effectively? I'm looking at your hilt measurements, and I'm nervous about it. The size is just enough to fit two hands, but only if they're side by side. You don't have to fix this if you don't want to, but I just want to point this out as performance may be hindered due to lack of leverage.

[Thorunn]

Ok, I've found a very good English grammar checker online so I think my application doesn't have any grammar errors. I had a lot of errors with the commas, but it's ok now.
About my zanpakuto:
I have a longsword in my real life and it has approximately the same parameters and its handle just fine for me, but I've added 2.5 inch to it. I know it's not the same tradition, but this a fantasy world isn't it? :)

[anime-niac]

True true, but that's just my thing.

In any case, if you think things are ready to go then by all means go ahead. One last thing, be sure to check out the lexicon thread under the grand gates.

[Thorunn]

I think it's done :)
Thank you for helping me to create my application.