[Application] Yokubi Frost <4th Division>

[fr0z3n]

Name: Yokubi Frost

Gender: Child (Male)

Age: 7 and a half years old at death, 146 years old in Soul Society

Division applying to: 4th Division

Appearance:

Yokubi is a very small person, with a round cheekbone and pulled back hair. He has pale-purple eyes, which turn teal in direct sunlight. His hair is, like his eyes, purple, but so pale that only tinges of colour can be noticed. Yokubi lacks the muscles lots of other people his age have, but in place is very agile and can easily escape from any normal stranger trying to annoy him. He likes to wear bright colours, like yellows and greens and blue's, and never wears red. Yokubi also likes to wear scarfs, put high enough to cover his mouth and nose, with the tail hanging over his back. Yokubi walks around with his zanpaktou sheathed and his keris hidden under the shihakusho. He usually keeps his right sleeve folded to his shoulder, and likes to wear a pair of gloves on his hands. He only has one scar, which is on his right hip, which he has had ever since he arrived in Soul Society.

Personality:

Yokubi likes to keep cool, and calm, rarely ever gets angry. He is very emotional, and whenever you hurt his feelings, he will immediately become enraged. Yokubi relies on the word KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. By using this, he keeps everything to the minimum, details and all. This way, he can easily be understood, quicker and easier. He never likes to be taunted or annoyed, and try's to escape from situations which may end up violent, such as: running so fast that sand is spat on people's faces. Yokubi doesn't really like talking to people, other than Saiten, not wanting to cause any unnecessary attention. While Yokubi likes to solve problems or mysteries, he also likes to stay at home, relaxing and sitting under a cherry blossom tree, sleeping.


Biography:
When Yokubi arrived in Soul Society, he wasn't taken into a family. Instead, he met a young boy, the same age as him, and they both became friends. His name was Saiten.
They both lived together, surviving, until they were old enough to start work. The beginning years were spent surviving and working, but later they ended up training their fighting
abilities, and with the money they made while working, they spent it on buying a small hut which had a lot of land. They then spent there time modifying the house, adding and taking things off of it, and most importantly, changing there backyard into a training area. They set it up by putting things like buckets, and spades inside of it, and creating sturdy pillars which could take heavy blows for training

During there time in the academy, Saiten had improved in Sword Fighting much better than Yokubi, who was a bit saddened when Saiten told him that he wanted to join the 11th Division, as he wanted to become even stronger, and wanted Yokubi to come. As much as Yokubi had wanted to apply and follow his best friend, but knew he would not survive long. It was very hard for Yokubi to decide, but had eventually decided to join the 4th, where he could help people greatly like Saiten, but in a way which he could easily do.

Now that both had already settled into Rukongai, they were looking for something else to do, together, for a better purpose.

Zanpakuto appearance:

Yokubi's Zanpaktou is a small 60cm, with a 25cm hilt. It is very light, thin and razor sharp. The hilt consists of a navy blue wrap, a small thin teal string descending from the bottom of the hilt, and a triangular shaped cross-guard. The colour of the swords reiatsu is teal, or very bright blue, but changes into deep purple when angry.
(Removed the Keris)
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<<Sample mission

Click HERE (http://www.bleachanime.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1703647&postcount=1) for the Sample Mission.

>>End
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I hope it was alright using the recruit level, as I couldn't think of another way to get the man out of his shadow form.
Hadou #1 Shou
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Thank you for reading my app

Regards,
Fr0z3n

[babychocospark]

Firstly, I must say that your application is in dire need for more details.

Your biography is rather impossible as well, which connects you are with it. By six months, I assume that there is no likely possibility that someone could swear to kill his family's killers.

The sample mission would be good, but it needs to be at least 1, 000 words.

Other than that, I ask you to further expound your character.

[fr0z3n]

Firstly, I must say that your application is in dire need for more details.

Your biography is rather impossible as well, which connects you are with it. By six months, I assume that there is no likely possibility that someone could swear to kill his family's killers.

The sample mission would be good, but it needs to be at least 1, 000 words.

Other than that, I ask you to further expound your character.


When I said he had sworn to kill his family's killers, I meant in the present time, not back when he died. I added much more words, with a total of
1047, and believe I have covered everything else. If I need more improvements to the Biography, just tell me :).

[anime-niac]

The details in this application needs to be improved overall, not just that detail that Chichiri mentioned in her commentary. If you look at other applications, especially those that have been accepted, you will find that your descriptions of your character's appearance, personality, zanpakuto...This is much bare.

I would advice that, apart from the descriptions you have given, please mention any key details that would separate your archetype from others. For appearance, try mentioning something like scars, hair color, eyes, muscle and skin tone, etc. For personality, any quirks? Does he fidget when nervous? We want you to make this character seem more alive, not just some basic details on paper.

Lastly, for your zanpakuto, that's a rather normal blade with a much too small hilt. If you're going for a weapon that long I suggest that it'd be at least 30cm, as 20 is not enough to hold it with both hands, especially if you're using a character who's frail, as you attempted to describe. In addition, please also include a general fighting style for your character under zanpakuto.

[fr0z3n]

Thanks for the advice, but I liked 20cm, as I will mention it is a one handed weapon.

Regards,
fr0z3n

[babychocospark]

Age: 6 months at death, 33 in Soul Society

It has to be realistic. Even if you write and rewrite your biography, your age at death couldn't support anything of your claim and you're not a prodigical one, so you should give in another age. Isn't this written on the guides that you should make your age realistic?

If you're going to prove your age on an official argument, you would have lost instantly because you lack details. Would I believe for one that he knows what his room color is or what happened at his home or in the very least, that he was already conscious of his society and is able to keep data of what his senses perceive? No.


Appearance:

As for your appearance, you need to expound this since it really really lacks details. How does he look like? What does his shihakusho look like? How does he hold his zanpakutou whenever he wanders in Soul Society? What expression is he seen most with? Even those minor details, you should not leave them.

In your appearance, you mentioned an extra accessory but not your appearance, which should not be because this covers what your character looked like, so every detail must be there, not just appearing in your story. Say if we were imagining what your scene looks like, would we imagine you as a creature that appears like a Kingdom hearts heartless?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/1a/ShadowHeartless.jpg?

Surely not. Common sense that you are in a humanly form, what do you look like?


Personality:


This thing is also lacking details. How does he react to certain circumstances? Other than the ones you mentioned, what does he like and hate as a shinigami? What does he like doing in particular, not just solving mysteries? Where is he mostly seen? How does he interact with members?

You also need to expound this because it barely gives us an overview oh Yokubi's persona, actually and would tend to have questions.


Biography:

Also, you should change this. If you want your age to be credible, then how did he survive? How come he was able to survive Konsou? How did he manage to live in Rukongai where there is a slim chance of surviving -- and as a child, even. How did he get to the academy? How much time did he wait before he managed to get into a division.

If someone adopted him in Rukongai, how did they find him or what are they like? You really need details here, seriously.

Zanpakuto appearance:

This too is in need of details. We barely have anything known about your character because you weren't fully giving out details in order to make this character more realistic. And please see my comment on the bottom.


<<Sample mission

As for here, it would be fine but please try not to use smileys when writing your missions as it somehow destroys the piece and makes it rather informal. No matter how funny or serious a mission is, you don't have to use it since your text must clearly define the mood in the certain part.


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]I hope it was alright using the recruit level
Hadou #1 Shou
Hadou #4 Byakurai
Bakudou #4 Hainawa
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Also, you are not allowed to determine what types of kidou you actually use on that level since the BARPG doesn't determine standards through rank but by specialty or mastery. It's not alright actually because the privilege of casting kidou is given to those who have enough points to assign points in training the kidou and the level of mastery within it.

In short, this isn't entirely like Bleach that a recruit could actually cast Soukatsui and it is normally determined that a fifth seat should know Haien. No. You should work hard for it because a kidou that an individual could cast depends on their stats, and those stats make the individual different from each other since there are no actual drills in here. Every strength and weakness your character has is under your responsibility, and those stats prevents an individual from committing God Moding within his missions because we also go on a lookout for god moding and how it is handled, how the stats are used and how your character's acts doesn't agree with the stats given.

Thanks for the advice, but I liked 20cm, as I will mention it is a one handed weapon.

Regards,
fr0z3n


Since you wanted it to be your way, your stats has to prove that one hand katana handling. Sure we can let that pass but there should be a concrete proof to it so as not to make it questionable.

If you're going to make this, you should take Zanjutsu as your specialty, putting at least 30-40% of your stats to make your claim credible.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Details, details, details. Even if you last about 4 posts in your application just by making the details, it would be fine since it's still our job to read it, so don't hesitate to give out long descriptions. We mods are usually used to that kind of things and tend to enjoy them, the more the merrier =P

The point is, you should make this character really realistic, describing each aspect of his existence and not to leave anything. You should satisfy every basic thing that has to be an application. Missions are stories you make, and if one has a weirdly vivid imagination like me, how could I visualize what your scene looks like for example, if you barely said anything about how it looks like?

I'm hoping to see a better one. Really.

[fr0z3n]

I haven't actually fixed it up again, but I didn't put any smiley's in my sample mission anywhere, so I don't get what you mean there. I haven't got round to fixing it up, since I was busy today, and only got a chance to get on now. I was using my DSi typing that other post, saying thanks to anime-niac.

I realise that I needed more information, and about the 6 months of age, I've seen low ones too, maybe 1 year more, so it's not that different. I did read the guides, and other people's apps, for advice.

As I said, I will be fixing it up, right now, but I still don't understand what you meant by Smiley's.

(EDIT: I see, at the end, sorry about that, I won't use it anymore.)

[babychocospark]

Yokubi and Saiten set home, tired from the long day's work, both eager to get some sleep, and maybe a bit of chocolate for Yokubi :p.



Even if it's just a minor one at the end, I'm specifically pointing out to that one.

And oh, I think you only read the shinigami ones but pertaining to age, it should have applied to both factions.

Age:
There are two categories for you to enter here; the first is the age of your character when he/she/it died in the mortal world. The second is the current age of your character in soul society. Due to the nature and intensity of training, as well as the length of time spent in the academy... we ask that you please have your age in soul society exceed that of your death by at least 10 to 15 years. This should be older than 7, and younger than 120. Realistic ages are a must, as it is unlikely that a 4 year-old would become an all-powerful shinigami.


The post above is pretty much self explanatory.

If you still want your 6 month old age then at least write in your biography how you survived. And even still, as said,

[fr0z3n]

Yokubi quickly scoffed his meal down, there was training to be done.
"Don't overdo it!" exclaimed Saiten, who was seated right next to Yokubi.

"It's Yummy!" lied Yokubi, who had just finished licking the wasabi crusts of his lips.

Yokubi and Saiten were sitting in Kusaji, happily eating there meals. This was definately the best place to train, and if someone picked a fight on them, they'd go home with a black eye.

Saiten's Zanpaktou beamed in the moonlight, sending rays of light all over Kusaji, which in Yokubi's opinion were called "Rays of Hope".
The two casually walked to there secret training area, which they had customized with home built scarecrows and chickens scattered everywhere. Here, they practiced there sword skills, Kidou and Bakudou skills, all in this one area. It proved very benificial.

"Are you ready" said Saiten

It was a statement, not a question.

Saiten leaped forward, sword raised high, and let out a mighty "Yaaaah!".

Yokubi expertly dodged the attack, side stepping, pulled out his wooden sword and brought it down on Saiten's unprotected side. Saiten ducked down, and spun round on the floor, tripping Yokubi.

Yokubi fell to the ground, but before Saiten could do anything else, Yokubi quickly threw his wooden keris at the Saiten, who groaned in pain, as even though it was wooden the sharp end could have easily given him a bruise, and a slight cut.

Saiten quickly succumbed to the pain, allowing himself to fall on his knee

"I guess I win again" grinned Yokubi, who had his sword to Saiten's neck.

"You dog, throwing your keris at me" smirked Saiten, who had now ignored the pain

Yokubi and Saiten headed back home, that was enough training for the day. They headed home, and came across a man with torn robes. He looked like he hadn't slept or eaten for a week. He dragged himself across the street, holding nothing but a piece of his cloak, which had been ripped and possibly eaten.

The morning started with the usual, a pack of chocolate, neatly piling his famous teddy bear collection, and carefully grooming his uniform. There was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asked Yokubi, quite loudly.

There was no reply.
Yokubi walked to the door, still feeling sleepy, and came across a small envelope, containing a paper.

The piece of paper had writing on it, containing information that there had been a number of attacks In West Rukongai to the South, all of which consisted of the same wounds. Puncture marks and slashes across the chest, cut skin indicating that rope or some type of wire had been tied tightly over the arms and legs, and some people with no injuries at all.

The number had increased over the past four months, with less sights of hollows, and a increase of mysterious deaths. There was either barely any or no evidence, but as Yokubi always would be, he was eager to discover the reason hidden behind all of this.

Yokubi and Saiten had been training for something like this, their Zanpaktou skills and Kidou skills.

Of them, Saiten was the better at Sword Fighting, and Yokubi was better at his Bakudou and Hadou skills and was confident that he and Saiten could catch the culprit, which led today...

The sun beat down on the people of West Rukongai. Yokubi and Saiten silently wandered through the rough streets of Rukongai.
The streets were crowded with people of different ages, all silently mulling around doing there business. This was going to be hard.

Out of every person in Rukongai, the most likely place for the killer would be Kusaji, but Yokubi knew that if he were the killer, he would hide were most people would not suspect. The more popular places. Yokubi set about searching the North and West Rukongai, scouting the area, finding no traces of any sort of fight.

The moaning sounds of West Rukongai erupted into a blood-curdling scream. Something was happening. Yokubi started jogging, then sprinting, hiding his reiatsu at the same time. He came to the site were the scream had come from. All that was there was a man, lying in a puddle of fresh blood. Yokubi quickly examined the area, and than the man.
"The killer is still nearby" reported Yokubi.

A flash of energy resonated right next to him, sending him into deep shock, but all that was there was a shadow.

A shadow, in broad daylight?, this was not right. Yokubi's first instinct was to unsheathe his sword and slice at the shadow, but then he thought of a better idea.

"Hadou #1, Shou!"
The shadow was suddenly forced from the ground, and thrown 8 meters away, halted by a house. Only then, did the person reveal herself.

The man looked ragged, with torn vestments hanging from his neck, a sheathless katana, and a pale look. His eyes were like crystals, only defiled, no, betrayed. This person did not mean harm, he was only trying to escape from reality. There was only one thing to do.

Unknowningly, the man raised his sword, his reiatsu had spiked high, and threw back a wave of pure energy. Yokubi jumped out of the way, unsheathed his katana, bounced of the roof of the house and attacked the man.

The man reacted so fast that before Yokubi could strike again the man had unleashed two mighty slashes on Yokubi's sword.

"There has to be a weakness" thought Yokubi

The man slowly ambled towards Yokubi, with those cloudy eyes.

Saiten took his cue, and attacked the man, but to no avail, was thrown into a wall, and knocked out.

Yokubi suddenly noticed if the man was dull minded then maybe some tricks or plans would confuse the man, which would give them the chance to strike..

Yokubi threw his keris at the man, targeting his katana.
But the man jumped...

Though Yokubi's attack was to disarm or disable the man, the keris lanced straight and true, shattering the katana, but also piercing the mans jugular vein. He was finished.

Yokubi started calling for help, frantically trying to get someone's attention. A few minutes later, a woman from the crowd emerged, saying she knew some healing powers. The man was saved, only just, but he made it.

Yokubi and Saiten set home, tired from the long day's work, both eager to get some sleep, and maybe a bit of chocolate for Yokubi .

[fr0z3n]

Even if it's just a minor one at the end, I'm specifically pointing out to that one.

And oh, I think you only read the shinigami ones but pertaining to age, it should have applied to both factions.


The post above is pretty much self explanatory.

If you still want your 6 month old age then at least write in your biography how you survived. And even still, as said,


Sorry I didn't realise you posted, since I was editing and didn't refresh the page. I fixed most things up, I changed age to 7 and a half, made sure of grammar errors
i.e (there instead of their)

I took out all smilies, and added a bit more things, took out all Kidou, and replaced them with other moves. I added the description for my weapon, such as a one handed sword and a small keris.

A keris is a small dagger cross sword type of dagger, if you get what I mean.

IMG:
http://malaysiavotes.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/keris_kratonjogja_byfn_resized.jpg

I hope it's alright now.

[babychocospark]

It's better now, but the problem now is in your zannie.

You have to take only one of them and if possible, only the katana. It's because there should only be the sealed zanpakuto; but if you badly want the keris, you could just get it as an item using item slots once you get accepted.

By this time, it is well assumed that you've already graduated from the academy since you're already applying in a division. It would not be mandatory but it would be significantly better too if you tapped something in regards to your stay in the academy before the divisions, and what led you to apply to the 4th. But then again as I said, it's not mandatory but it's better to introduce your character's life as a shinigami too.

[fr0z3n]

I added a bit more to the biography, and I will be getting a Keris as an Item. Do you think my application is ready?

[babychocospark]

This would be fine by now I suppose but I'll ask someone to give you a head go for approval if they think this is good now.

[fr0z3n]

This would be fine by now I suppose but I'll ask someone to give you a head go for approval if they think this is good now.


I think I understand that, so I just wait?, or post in Final App's.

[anime-niac]

First thing's first. Yokubi relies on the word KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. He never likes to be taunted or annoyed, and try's to escape from situations which may end up violent, such as and just LOVES food.

I'd like you to build a little on how Yokubi relies on KISS. The placement of this sentence is stand alone, so I'd like at least a sentence to portray how this applies to Yokubi's thought process. The second sentence there in the above quote feels broken, as if you were thinking of something then you suddenly stopped and continued with another idea. Please fix.

Secondly, your zan field. I know you accepted Chiri's terms and made the keris an item, but as such please remove it from your zanpakuto description. If another mod came along and looked over your application without reading all of this then you may face denial for having an unapproved additional weapon. To spare the other mods the confusion please remove it.

Other than the above your application looks good to go. As soon as you make the appropriate corrections you should be able to turn in a final without any problems. I just want to comment on the yellow font for your age; it makes me feel like I'm going blind.

[fr0z3n]

I did everything as you said. I hope it's alright now.

[anime-niac]

Better, but...I think you missed what I was trying to point out earlier.

and try's to escape from situations which may end up violent, such as and just LOVES food

He tries to escape these situations how? By eating? This sentence is a bit confusing. Such as what? Methods to escape situations or kinds of violent situations.

[anime-niac]

It would be really nice if you tell me that you edited, that way I could comment on time.

Once again, you miss my point. Why you say "such as" you're saying you're going to list situation that he calls "violent," and I don't think "running so fast" would be called violent. Now, if you're going to list ways he avoids these situations, which you did, you should use "by." If you use "by" in place of "such as" your sentence would make sense. Just be sure to make it punctually correct.

[fr0z3n]

I've edited it again, I hope it's alright. By the way I don't think saying "by" would make sense, "violent, by *****" doesn't make sense, because I'm stating what would be something he would avoid, not something he would DO to avoid a "could-be" violent act.

[Cyclonus_Zaero]

Well this the first time I looked at this APP. And since you've gone to such much trouble already I'm going to judge it here and now.

APPROVED/DENIED?

APPROVED