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[Application] Saitoshi Wynden <11th Division> - BleachAnime.org Forums

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Wynden
09-08-2009, 02:38 AM
Name: Saitoshi Wynden

Gender: Male

Age of Death: 27
Age in Soul Society: 42

Appearance: Wynden is about 150cm tall, with mid length pale blue hair. With a lean body, he has a good athletic body. With long arms and calm, mysterious eyes, everyone who meets him can never tell his motives. His sword is sheathed behind his back, where he can pull it out at the slightest moment. He wears a typical shinigami robe, but with the sleeves shortened for easier movement. He looks very weak, however, has incredible strength, which is unknown to most people.

Personality: Normally sociable, he can quietly enter and leave an area without anyone noticing. Quite lazy, however when the situation comes, he flies into a rage giving all near a fright. He regularly acts as the life of the party, however is always there to aid if someone needs it. Enjoys peace among his comrades, however, likely to get into a fight if an insult gets too personal. He is an ethicist, who always looks at situations from various points of view before he truly makes a decision.

Biography: As a child, he was always engrossed in the possibility of different worlds, always looking at the big picture. Although all the adults and even other children shunned him, he was always optimistic about this happening. Even as he grew into an adult, he found himself with a great mind for all purposes, not to mention an open one......
As an adult, he was the same way: shunned. but he made his living with strange inventions that didn't exactly change the world, but got him through life for a while, such as the SHAM WOW.

On the day he died, it was raining fiercely. A giant oil tanker was coming past him in a rush of speed. When he learned that this person was hijacking the tanker (mostly because there was an army of police officers behind him), he decided to do what he believed was right at the time. He sped up and slowly overtook the oil tanker. At that point, he quickly bumped the tanker a bit, just to slow it down. Unfortunately for him, the hijacker, at that time, decided he couldn't lose now, and floored the accelerator. The tanker, at that time, exploded and thankfully, brought only 2 casualties. Sadly, he perished in that fire. Little did he know just what was going to come next.........

Applying for: Division 11.

Zanpaktou Appearance: A finely tuned sword which is mostly tinged with sky blue and blood red. the hilt is in the shape of a circle, however it is colored as black and white in a yin yang shape. It is about a meter long, giving it an average amount of reach. The sheath is made of rowan, painted in midnight black paint. Along the edges as well as the end, it is rimmed with gold. Within the sheath, there is also a small tanto. It is not very sharp, and was personalized by Wynden. (not technically part of the zanpaukto) That has no cross guard and is emblazoned with a dragon mark on the central ridge.

Sample Mission:
Wynden's mind was buzzing! It was the day that the captains came to visit the academy. He met up with his good friend, who never remembered his name after his death, so everyone referred to him as Momang. As they traveled early towards the front gates of the Academy.

"I can't believe it! It's really happening!" exclaimed Wynden.

"I know! THE Gotei 13 Captains! Who would've ever thought it would happen?" wondered Momang.

As they headed over to the front gates, they saw their bossy kido teacher, Mr. Shitan was there. All the staff knew as 'The Kido King', but the students labelled as the reason some of them wondered why they were there.

"Hey! What are you students doing here? The captains aren't going to be here for a long, long time. GO Back to Bed! Now!" said Mr. Shitan.

"We came early so we got a good spot to see the captains, Shi- Sensei." said Momang.

"And it's about 3 in the afternoon, Mr. Shitan......." said Wynden.

"I Don't Care! This is my one chance to get out of this pit, and act as one of the Gotei 13! When I'm there, I will bring about a new rule! An age, dedicated to me!" ranted Mr. Shitan.

"No!" said Momang.

"You can't! The Gotei 13 is all under Isami- San. He controls the whole network." said Wynden.

His heroics had gotten him killed before, but his sense of what was right and wrong could never stay put.

"Let's just see you try and stop me. You two children couldn't stop me! There's a reason why I teach kido around here." says Mr Shitan.

"Is that so?" replied a mysterious figure who appeared behind Mr. Shitan.

He wore a soul reaper uniform, but on his back was.....was.......a captain's cape. He was 6th Squad captain Akimoto Shiragiku!

"What?!?! You were all scheduled to come at 6! Ach. And you heard about my conquest as well. This is going to be a problem..." said Mr. Shitan.

"Yes. Yes it is. For you, at least." said Akimoto.

"Looks like it's time to escape." said Mr. Shitan, "Ye lord! Mask of flesh and bone, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! Truth and temperance, upon this sinless wall of dreams unleash but slightly the wrath of your claws. Hado 33! Sōkatsui!"

The three of them knew the encantation, and immediately retreated. As soon as they did, Mr. Shitan got away.

"Come on! Let's Go!" said Akimoto.

"Yes sir!" said Wynden and Momang.

After they couldn't find him, Akimoto decided to use Kakushitsuijaku.

"Heart of the south, eye of the north, finger of the west, foot of the east, arrive with the wind and depart with the rain. Bakudou 58, Kakushitsuijaku!" said Akimoto.

After a few minutes, Akimoto discovered that he couldn't find him.

"He must've used Kyakko." said Akimoto.

He silently cursed under his breath.

"Maybe he headed into the Rukongai districts to find a hiding place, Aki- sensei." said Momang.

"It's also possible that he headed back into the academy to find his weapons or other dangerous items." said Wynden.
"Hmm......this is a very troubling predicament......to have our kido teacher rebel against the Gotei 13......I have to report this to Isami. You two better come with me. For witness reports, and safety." said Akimoto.

"Yes sir!" said the two of them.

They saluted and the three of them shunpoed back to Squad 6 HQ.

As they headed into the HQ, the two academy students were in awe at the incredible Squad 6 Headquarters, home of the Strike Blade Vanguard.

"It's Incredible! It's better than i thought it would be! It's....it's........beyond description!" said Momang.

"It's got a lounge! I could take a nap right now!" said Wynden.

"Seriously, Wynden. Think about something else OTHER than your sleep." said Momang.

"But I wasn't thinking about sleep. I was thinking about how I could be lazy."said Wynden with a grin.

Momang sighed. He knew there was no arguing with Wynden when he stated his point.

"This? It's nothing special. I'm pretty sure the other divisions have HQ's that are better than ours. I hear Squad 2 has a kitchen for meals in theirs. We should really get one put in here when we don't have time to go somewhere else for it too." said Akimoto.

"Oh My God. I am definitely joining Squad 2 or 6. They have food!" said Wynden.

"Umm, actually, most of the squads have kitchens. Well, back to why i brought you here. Mr. Shitan, your previous kido teacher, seems to have thought a bit too highly of himself, and has tried to take control of the Gotei 13 as of this morning. Due to this, we have sent in the scout corps into the academy, so search for any evidence that we might find. I am getting surveillance reports from Squad 8 as we speak." said Akimoto.

After a few hours, during which they met the vice captain, 5th seat, and a few other people in the other squads, the scouts gathered up quite a bit of evidence.

"It seems that Mr. Shitan liked to travel deep into Western Rukongai, and he took his zanpaktou and notes with him. So that's all we got. Call the 3rd seat and the 7th seat over. We're going track him down. The two of you, head back to the academy. We've got this settled."

"Yes sir!" said the two academy students.

As they headed back to the academy, they wondered all about today: about Akimoto, Mr. Shitan, and even about what their other friends did that day. They couldn't wait for the next day, and all that would come. They got into bed, and looked up into the night sky, hoping for a few things. Hoping that Mr. Shitan got caught, hoping that they would make it as a shinigami, hoping that all their dreams would become reality.

"Wynden, let's both succeed as shinigami." said Momang.

"Yeah. We're gonna do that, and make all our dreams come true....."said Wynden.
----------
Creds to:
bleach wiki. I used that for the kido stuff :D
the grand gates. used that for info in the new soul society ;)

Ultranator
09-09-2009, 12:12 AM
Okay, first, the ShamWow was not a great invention. It was a horrible invention that barely did what it was advertised to do.

But as for your application, there are a lot of words spelled in all caps. Don't do that Also, you could probably get away with using an exclamation point on your first sentence, but after that you're kind of stretching.

Wynden
09-09-2009, 09:56 PM
i changed the ones that weren't in quotations, for ppl saying something. is that okay, or should i change those one too?

Ultranator
09-10-2009, 03:38 AM
Your main part of your app is looking better, but to it would add a bit of style and professionalism to make the labels of each section in bold print.

Your zanpakuto section could use just a little more. Does it have a sheath? Where does he wear it? And, your biography needs just a little more cleaning up. I'd lose the part that says, "Our hero." It sounds like you're narrating an old serial film. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_film)

Here are some things I saw with your sample mission.

As they travelled early towards the front gates of the Academy.

This is an open ended sentence. As they... , they also.... There needs to be an effect after a cause. Also traveled has one "L."

As they headed over to the front gates, they saw their bossy kido teacher, Mr. Shitan, whom all the staff knew as 'The Kido King', but the students labelled as the reason some of them wondered why they were there.

This sentence is a run on sentence. You need to figure a way to break it up. Try reading this sentence out loud without taking a breath. If you're still conscious, then you need to go join the opera.

"I Don't Care! This is my one chance to get out of this pit and act as one of the Gotei 13! When I'm there, I will being about a new rule! An age, dedicated to me!" ranted Mr. Shitan.

"I will being about a new rule!" That sentence doesn't look right.

""Ye lord! Mask of flesh and bone, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man! Truth and temperance, upon this sinless wall of dreams unleash but slightly the wrath of your claws. Hado 33! Sōkatsui!"
The three of them knew the encantation, and immediately retreated.
As soon as they did, Mr. Shitan got away.
"Come on! Let's Go!" said Akimoto.

First, you start out with two quotation marks at the beginning. Second, Is this four separate paragraphs? When you separate paragraphs, you should add a line of space between. It allows the reader to space them out in their head, otherwise it's just a wall of text.

Wynden
09-10-2009, 09:39 PM
let's see.....
bolded titles, added sheath, i wrote about where he wears it in his appearance i believe. got rid of the 'serial film', fixed typos, and the skipped lines are a habit my grade 6 teacher got me into a few years back. after ppl saying something, i skip a line. the paragraphs are noted with the extra space.

anime-niac
09-10-2009, 10:14 PM
If possible could you add more to your appearance, personality, and elaborate a bit more on zanpakuto.

Also, your sample needs work. It'd be great if you paragraph stuff, because it all looks bunched up.

Wynden
09-11-2009, 10:03 PM
added to the 3 columns, and i thought i did put it in paragraphs.....

anime-niac
09-11-2009, 10:13 PM
I'm going to use the first paragraph of your sample as an example.

Wynden's mind was buzzing! It was the day that the captains came to visit the academy. He met up with his good friend, who never remembered his name after his death, so everyone referred to him as Momang. As they traveled early towards the front gates of the Academy.

"I can't believe it! It's really happening!" exclaimed Wynden.

"I know! THE Gotei 13 Captains! Who would've ever thought it would happen?" wondered Momang.

See what I did? Try applying it to the rest of your sample.

Wynden
09-12-2009, 04:03 PM
is that what you meant by paragraphing it?
i spaced it out a whole lot more.

Ultranator
09-12-2009, 04:25 PM
Every time you do a line break, that should be a new paragraph. And there should be a space between it.

Wynden
09-13-2009, 09:32 PM
Every time you do a line break, that should be a new paragraph. And there should be a space between it.

so.....is that what you mean by the paragraphing?
btw thanks for all the help, people:)

Ultranator
09-13-2009, 10:46 PM
It looks a lot better now, yes.

As they headed back to the academy, they wondered all about today. About Akimoto, about Mr. Shitan, and even about how their other friends were doing today.

Do you know what's wrong with these two sentences?

Wynden
09-14-2009, 10:06 PM
ahhh the always annoying fragment.

i haven't done that one in a while. :\

Ultranator
09-15-2009, 04:41 AM
Actually, yes, I didn't even notice that it was a fragment.... But I was referring to how you switched tenses from past to present. "Today" or "this" can be easy ways to switch to present. Check over the rest of your sample mission, and look for all the different things we've been talking about, and I think that you're app will be looking good.

Wynden
09-17-2009, 01:45 AM
i believe that was the only one, but i could be mistaken. I also fixed a small grammar issue at the end.