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d_razor
09-21-2009, 08:51 AM
Name: Cyrus Ancarell Xenon
Gender: Male
Age at death: 18
SS Age: 29

Appearance: Cyrus is approximately 160cm tall, fairly built and has strong legs. His eyes are a startling green. His arms don’t show his muscles very intensively But they are bigger than most expect. His hair is black and cut to an average length, he leaves a fringe hanging over his right eye and underneath his fringe is a tattoo of a branding on his back. His Sheathe hangs from his left shoulder down to his right hip that’s where the hilt is and where he unsheathes it from. He wears a common robe trying not to stand out much from the rest.
He prefers wearing clothes that cover up his body such as long sleeved shirts even when it is hot outside. He has broad shoulders and a very elegant stride, commonly he has a blank expression on his face. He has green eyes making him believe to have Persian ancestors somewhere along the line. His skin is slightly tanned making him not able to blend in with a wall but also not blend in with a tree trunk.


Personality: Cyrus is a lazy person by nature, He’s barely ever serious loving to joke around and avoid serious confrontations as much as he can. The few times when he gets serious or is forced into being serious he takes the job that he is given to heart and makes it his priority. Cyrus loves sleeping and socializing with the people around him. He is serious when talking to superiors or when a serious event occurs. He hates extremely talkative people who talk nonsense and make bad jokes. Even though he looks well built and healthy he loves to stuff himself with food when he gets the chance but he doesn’t go out of his way to eat, it’s just a bad habit. Cyrus is friendly to everyone he meets and tries to help where he can but if he taken advantage of he gets angry and tends to have a foul mood for the rest of the day. He is shy when it comes to girls and often is at a loss of words to make up a conversation that’s why he doesn’t like being around them when he is the only guy there. Cyrus tends to talk to himself because he was used to having a brother and sister but once they were old enough they left the house and him being the youngest made him get used to talking to them so he eventually started talking to himself more and more often. When he gets bored he finds it easy to drift off and start daydreaming. Cyrus normally having a blank expression on his face also contributes to him being able to lie straight into someone face and appear to be telling the truth, he commonly uses this “talent” to enjoy himself when he is bored.

Biography: Cyrus comes from East Rukongai. He spent most of his days wondering around the place trying to find something to do. He tried to avoid most of the crowded areas in hope that no one would ask him questions about himself, whereas in reality he knew it was because he hated being around such noisy, busy places. He barely has any recollection of his death, all he remembers is a symbol of a triangle turned upside down with a trident in the middle and a blue ellipse behind it... This same symbol is branded into his skin on the back of his right shoulder. Cyrus had a very strong sense of purpose before his death but also had a lot of violence involved in his life. He has never befriended himself with the thought of not remembering where he came from or how his life ended but he is pretty sure the branding on his back is connected to it and therefore he got it tattooed under his fringe. Due to his strong sense of purpose the simple life in Rukongai was never anything for him and he knew this all too well. One day while he was roaming the streets he saw a very large crowd and decided to go see what was happening, once he reached the crowd he saw a group of shinigami pass through the streets he could tell by their pride that they were high ranking officers but he knew they deserved the praise. Later that day he had sat in the shade of a tree thinking about what he had seen. He thought of how life must be as a shinigami and if it was worth it. Cyrus had always sought a purpose to be, finally he believed he found it and with that purpose came pride, he knew he wanted both and soon thereafter he applied to the shinigami academy.

Division: 6th division - Strike Blade Vanguard

Zanpakutou: Cyrus’s Zanpakuto is a 138cm long black blade with a red edge running its length, The guard is Black as well, Extending a few centimeter along the radius, the hilt is Black with a rubber grip which Is luminous green therefore glowing in the dark. At the bottom of the hilt there is a circle which he uses to unsheathe it with. The sheath is also black with an inscription saying “The beginning of the end” in luminous green. He has also gotten the triangular trident symbol carved in to in red. Due to its length he can attack at a good speed for his size and due to its thickness he can do some very lethal combos. When he fights Cyrus tries to avoid getting to close so as not to get trapped but eventually he uses powerful combos to force the opponent into a disadvantageous position than trapping them.

d_razor
09-21-2009, 08:52 AM
Sorry for the double post but it didn't all fit in one post...

Sample Mission

It was a clear night, darker than most of the recent ones. The silhouettes that had gathered over the past one hour stood in the shade of a tall building, barely noticing Cyrus’s approach. As they mumbled sentences among each other Cyrus joined their ranks. The hoods from the robes they wore bore down over them, covering each person’s face up until to their mouths.

“Silence!” commanded a man while striding forward towards the centre of the circle they had formed.
“…We have gathered among us to decide on the fate of out brother Anestus Kahn, the actions he performed on his previous task having endangered not only his partner but our entire sect.” he paused for a moment.
“We have given everyone enough time to think of a suitable punishment, one that will make him wiser in future decisions.”…As the man continued talking to his followers Cyrus noticed movement behind them, “probably a cat” he thought to himself while focusing back on the conversation.

“Now we must head back along the ways in which we came making sure to not be fol…” His last words were cut short by the loud bang and the flash of guns from a short distance away. The man fell to the ground in hard thump, blood gushing out from his chest in immense amounts.

Cyrus ducked, using the other men as shields while scanning the area for a way out. He hurriedly counted how many attackers there were… “5” he mumbled. Meanwhile some of the men had drawn their own weapons and started firing back. Cyrus knew though that the ambushers had the advantage and were better equipped than the men in his sect.

“Cyrus!!! Draw your gun and help us defend ourselves” screamed a man a short distance away while firing a few shots into the direction of the ambushers.

Cyrus didn’t hesitate he leaped forward and out into the night he ran. An Ambusher saw this and fired wildly at him barely missing Cyrus. He turned into a corner and ran down into the subways. Cyrus didn’t stop running until his legs wouldn’t carry him anymore. Eventually he looked around and realized he was at the old bridge, he quickly climbed down and sat on a ledge.

“What Happened? Why? Ohh GOD!!!” He screamed, not caring about who heard him, he knew his life was over. He had run from the attackers and left his fellow “brothers” there to die. That is unforgivable he knew and if he went back to his leaders they would kill him….

He sat on the ledge for a long time contemplating what he would do. He didn’t know how much time had passed but it was still dark and he knew it wasn’t going to be long until dawn. He thought about all his possibilities, going back to the sect would be wisest he thought thinking he might be given special treatment since the attack was unwinnable he did the only thing he could to survive. But he knew the rest wouldn’t think like that, they would condemn him for running away, but if he didn’t return they would hunt him down and kill him without a second’s hesitation and no trial whatsoever.

Cyrus wouldn’t let it get to that he knew he would have to go back to the gathering spot and try find the ambushers, then kill them. It was the only way for him to be forgiven he thought or at least be given a different punishment. Cyrus started walking back the way he came hoping he wouldn’t get lost trusting his subconscious to remember the route it had just taken.

“Damn it!!! Why is it always me who gets into such crap?!” He mumbled out loud while looking around him for any signs of life.
“You know it’s actually ironic, first I run away because I don’t want to die and now I’m going back because I don’t want to die.” He said to himself while running down a flight of steps leading into the subways, he hurried around the corners until he saw the exit looming up in front of him.
“Nearly there” He thought.

As he walked up the last few flight of steps leading back onto the main road he made sure to not be followed, quickly taking the last corner which led him into the square where he had been just a few hours earlier. He quickly looked around and made a box which he could use as temporary cover to decide on his next few steps from there.

Cyrus couldn’t believe his eyes, what he saw Scared him more than the thought of death. They were alive and standing right where he had left them, even the ones that were shot and he believed to be dead were standing as if nothing happened…He decided to go to them since he didn’t know what else he could possibly do. As he approached them he sensed an awkward feeling as if he just knew something wasn’t right,

“Brothers?” He managed to mumble.
“What happened here? I thought you had died” he continued, but no reply came.
He took a step forward and then caught a glimpse of one of the figures faces, the face had a dark tan and the eyes were red with an incredible killing intent. He jumped back ,“Who are you?” he shouted while stepping back slowly, the after image of what he saw still burnt into his retinas so clear it could have been a piece of art still wet from the paint.

“What have you done with my brothers?”…Cyrus knew he should run but something was stopping him. He finally caught hold of himself and turned to run, just as he did this the figures behind him turned towards him and stared then one by one started running after him as if they were an army controlled by one general. Cyrus ran straight on across a road and into the park on the opposite side. His pursuers not slowing down either, Cyrus ran but soon saw the dead end and knew this was it. He stopped and turned round, his pursuers slowed down but didn’t stop and eventually made a circle around him.

Cyrus eyed them while slowly revolving getting ready to block and trying to find a way out, he soon knew this was not going to happen and got comfortable with the idea of fighting to death. He leaped out and tried striking one of the figures, by now he knew there were 8 of them, the same amount of people as there had been at the gathering excluding him. The figure gracefully jumped back and avoided the strike while at the same time swung a fist at Cyrus, The impact taking him off his feet and throwing him down a meter from where the figure was. The figures moved in closer to Cyrus,
“What a beautiful night it is…” Were the last words Cyrus said before all that could be heard was the silence of night, the rustling of leaves swaying in the wind, the Shrills from insects either eating or being eaten and the last scream made by a dying man.

Ultranator
09-23-2009, 01:13 AM
Hello, and welcome...

I generally like your app, but there are few things to fix before you submit for final approval.

First of all, your punctuation is a little off in many places.

Cyrus is a lazy person by nature, He’s barely ever serious loving to joke around and avoid serious confrontations as much as he can.

You should have a period in between these sentences.

Also, read through your sample mission. There are some misspelled words that wont be picked up by a spell check, because they are just other words spelled correctly.

Lastly for now, your sample chapter has a lot of extra words in it that bog it down...

It was a clear night, darker than most of the recent ones. The silhouettes that had gathered over the past one hour stood in the shade of a tall building, barely noticing Cyrus’s approach. As they mumbled sentences among each other Cyrus joined their ranks. The hoods from the robes they wore bore down over them, covering each person’s face up until to their mouths.

The red words are words that aren't necessary. "Ones" would read better as "nights." or, "darker than most nights of late."

The other two red words, "had" and "one" aren't needed for these sentences. "The silhouettes that gathered over the past hour stood in the shade of a tall building..." This is much smoother reading.

In a side note, the possessive form of "Cyrus" should be "Cyrus' " since it ends in an "s"

And, sorry, one more thing. Check your line breaks. You shouldn't have line breaks sin the middle of paragraphs.

So, take all of that please, and go back over your whole app with a fine toothed comb. Read it slowly and you should be able to clean it up nicely. Let us know when you've updated it, and we'll give it another go. I'm looking forward to it.

d_razor
09-23-2009, 05:27 AM
okay i'll go over it tonight and tomorrow. Then i'll post the updated version here when im done.
Thanks for the advice. :)