Apathy Chapter 1

[ruka26]

Apathy is my latest story, its about Izzie, a confused girl, kinda romantic, maybe a little dark, but yeah, its a ruru story @.@

Hope you like it C&C appriciated

 Spoiler: click to show

Chapter 1
Izzie


Journal 09-09
“What ever happened to the genuine love, the one unconditional and ever lasting? We all know in time, that even songs change, generations change, but how can something ‘true’ change so much, so far as of to this…

I guess I will never ever really understand love, I always fall for the worst kind of people. Its like the more I try to let my self go on with the flow, the more I end up drifting away from everything I thought was real.

This is a story of how I broke my heart, and took credit for it. How the moment I should’ve spoken, was the time I grew even more silent and bit my tongue as bitter rusty blood bled my mouth with pain.

I do love you, in my weird way of showing no affection at all, I care, I breathe same air, feel the same things. I am a human being, isn’t it about time you treat me one? Im entangled with your dark past, things you’ve said to me sticks with me, and I really do want to help you get through that.

But you don’t want that help, I guess that how it is for someone you crossed out from your life. Same goes for the love that grew cold, the one you kept fighting for, now turned into a solid frozen stone. You freeze me, even up to until this point, im unable to move on.


Why you may ask? Cause you’ve changed, even if you promised me not to, your consistency with promises were never really assuring. I knew you that much not to trust you completely, cause you don’t know what you want, and I don’t know what I want, and if we get stuck with each other, its for the worst.

But still, a little pumping organ had fate in you, cause maybe it even liked you a little bit, liked you a whole lot. But you broke that fate, its all gone, but im stuck.

Cause you wont let me leave you, you wanna be friends with me and I respect that request. But read through the lines, I’m not comfortable with this situation just because I don’t say words you would understand. It doesn’t mean that if im silent that I don’t say something. It doesn’t mean that I have to say I love you just to prove how much I care.

But its not like it matters anymore, you just turned into all the other guys I went with, but you worst.

I really loved you, and you didn’t even feel it, come to think of it, you are the jaded one.”


I only really wrote this cause I know no one can ever read this, but if only I can shove this journal entry in his face I now find revolting, I would. Shove it good, leaving him no face to show me at all, vanishing all my misery away, I would feel so much better, but I guess I can’t do that, can I?

I’ve been place to the strictly“ friends only zone”, the “lets just be friends” section , no more kissing those lips, admiring those crystal blue eyes and being hugged by those huge muscular arms.

But ugh.. just thinking of how I miss those things makes me sick to my stomach. Just for his information, im GIRL FRIEND MATERIAL, always have, always been, I cant be set aside.

But I had my chance and I blew it. He just sees me as a crazy psycho ex girl friend now, who loves to be his friend so much. But another for his information, I hate my current status as of now, I don’t want to be his friend, nor do I wanna be involved in his life any longer.

But he’s string me along, was this his revenge for loving me so much before and not getting a fair gain back? Its just so unbelievable, I think he just see’s me as a GUY now.

But why cant I just say it, I keep on biting my tongue every time I wanna say it. Just say it, just say it Izzie! Just say it.

By later this day I will tell him o leave me alone and move on with my life, yes that sounds like a good plan, best plan I ever had.

I will first stalk him from work then corner him on a dark alley and stab him! Wait no, wrong flow of thought, TELL HIM! I will tell him to leave me be and leave each other with a cool note.
But just thinking of those ideas while sitting all alone at an infamous empty café made me feel even lower, my pride, I’ve lost all of it already, and doing that would prolly be one of the other worst ideas I had thought of.

I guess I’m still just tagging along with him cause I’m still deluded with the idea of us getting back with each other, but it makes me sick at the same time.

I need a new man, a better man, one who would love me and take care of me and treat me like a Goddess, but I guess im thinking unrealistically again.

Why am I still even thinking of him anyway, him and his well toned body, his curly brown hair and tall nose. Maybe cause the guy in front of me is nothing like him at all.

If I keep comparing looks wit looks, ill never get anywhere.

But while I was minding my own business thinking of plots on how to end things with Ben, the guy in front of me suddenly said something which I ignored cause I don’t usually talk to weird geeky looking strangers, but with one of the ear phones on my i-pod falling down I heard what he said “Would you please mind and quit staring at me?” he said.

And such an arrogant kid he was, im not really sure if he’s a kid or not, but he’s certainly acting like one. If he caught me on a bad day I would’ve had kicked him out the café and tell him to go home, but I was actually happily plotting bad things for Ben so I let it slip away.

“She thinks she so pretty, what a waste.”

I could’ve sworn I read his lips say that, it’s a secret skill I have that I never tell anyone, but I can read lip language, and he said something about me being a waste, did he mean my beauty was a waste, or something, it didn’t really matter, but after reading those words, I couldn’t help confronting him my self, but I just sat there and waited for Ben to pick me up, not to keep my hopes up.